[Election ‘016 067] John B. Anderson’s Quest

John B. Anderson’s Quest

Thedude3445

 

It was September 21st, 1980, and The white-haired fox John B. Anderson stood on the podium, ready for the first Presidential debate against Ronald Reagan. That man had already beaten him once, in the Republican Primary. And he would beat him again, he knew. John polled at just fifteen percent; the race was between Carter and Reagan. It was a lost cause, but not one he could abandon. He needed to use this… this terrible election with two subpar choices, with a discontent American people and an opening for a third party… an Independence Party, maybe… that could break the hold of the two-party system and free America from the political strife and corruption that had plagued the country for a decade.

The Moderator Bill Moyers approached the stage, and Ronald stepped onto his own podium. John knew it was almost time to–

—

—

—

“Huh?”

[Election ‘016 061] Mad Kasix: Cruzy Road

Mad Kasix: Cruzy Road

Thedude3445

 

Kasix stood over the cliff overlooking the large expanse of sand and wasteland surrounding the entire land. This land used to be the great state of Utah, but after the primaries… It looked exactly the same. But that was beside the point, because Utah reminded Kasix of nothing but the brutality and disgusting destruction of the past twelve months of this Presidential Election…

[Election ‘016 51] Eve of Iowa

Ted Cruz

Ted got out a pack of crayons and set them on the table next to a large piece of construction paper. He opened the pack and sniffed that crayon-y smell fresh out of the box. He took out the macaroni-and-cheese one and began to draw a map of Iowa.

Drawing this map of Iowa and then dividing it into its ninety-nine counties was the only way he could unwind and relax tonight. It helped him take his mind off the stress and put his energies into something creative and powerful and beautiful and intuitive.

He just wished that President Reagan could see him now. His drawing was sure to look great and represent the heart of America, but he wanted more than anything for Reagan to be proud of him,

One day, though, he would make the man happy, he thought as he marked a giant green X over Des Moines.

[Election ‘016 050] Mitt Romney’s Dream at 2:30 AM on January 27th, 2016 (Part Two)

(Continued from Part One)

[Election ‘016 041] For the Queen

For the Queen

Thedude3445

 

Queen Hillary sat on her throne overlooking a vast and ornate throne room. It was adorned with vibrant reds and understated lavenders on the widespread carpets as well as the banners on the walls. Several ancient statues lined the edges of the room, making poses that praised towards the one sitting on the throne– which was her, of course.

It was peaceful in the kingdom, as of late. The uprisings had been quelled, and the people were pacified. She knew not how it was accomplished, but she did not give too much thought, for she had more pressing matters to deal with.

As a matter of fact, one of those more pressing matters was about to address her now, for she saw Sir Chuck Schumer, one of her valiant knights, entering the throne room and moving at a brisk pace towards her.

“Queen Hillary!” he shouted as he approached.

[Election ‘016 036] Fireside Chat

Joe Biden took a massive sip of bloody mary flavored vapor, letting the taste of tomato and worcestershire sauce fully coat the insides of his lungs before exhaling. The smell of crackling firewood co-mingled with the (unfortunately) non-alcoholic beverage smoke, filling the cozy den of the Motel 6 with a wall of smog until it was breached by 5’ 7” of pure man; Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Lindsey carried a mint julep in each hand and placed one next to the Vice President.

[Election ‘016 026] Linds and Me

You lay in a woodland glade, surrounded by a towering thicket of mighty pines. The early morning dew clings to your bare skin, creating pinpricks of cold across your arms and legs. You breathe in the forest air, tinged with sap, grass, and dirt. You hear a rustling to your left and turn toward the sound. Out from the underbrush leaps some sort of wood nymph, clad in nothing but a solitary leaf. The creature dances a merry jig for you, his little legs kicking up rocks and pine needles and strewing them about. He jigs a little closer to you. You wave him away, but he attempts to jig forth again. You don’t protest this time. He jigs over you, bounding back and forth like a graceful antelope. He jigs until he can barely stand, but you watch on intentively. There is some sort of hypnotic rhythm to his little dance, like the swinging of a pendulum or a Viennese waltz. He plops down into the grass next to you, his tight little tush making a perfect indent. He stares at you with his shimmering baby blues.

[Election ‘016 019] Same (Don)Old Song and Dance

 

“And that, my fellow Americans, is why black people smell funny,” Donald Trump said into his microphone. The audience erupted into a deafening crash of noise, equal parts cheers and boos. He looked at them with a smirk, shrugging off the protests of his opponents both literally and figuratively. “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to build a wall to keep all the Muslims out and I’ll make the President of ISIS pay for it!”

“Mr. Trump…” the moderator tried to get his attention.

“And seriously, what’s the deal with those gays?” Trump continued.

“Mr. Trump. Your time is up, we have to move-”

“I mean, I’m surprised that Senator Graham’s stance on gay marriage is so strict. All I’m saying is that I expected different, ya know? With that voice of his?”

[Election ‘016 013] Graham Cracker

“Bombs over Baghdad!” Lindsey Graham sang along to his favorite Outkast song as he drove into the Capitol Hill parking lot. He skidded into his spot, which had “Lindsey Graham!!!” bedazzled on the sign, and opened the door before the car was fully parked. Today was going to be a good day. Today, the United States was going to war.

Inside the building, Lindsey sashayed towards his office. The other senators and congressmen that passed by gave him strange looks, but he ignored them. He was revved up and ready to do some war, and no silly little men were going to distract him from that.