Ted and John: Super-Teamup Fight Time Go!
It was almost time.
Ted Cruz pulled up the spandex on his suit in a glorious montage, showing his latex gloves, his American flag-patterned boots, his metal-studded codpiece, and the amazing T-embroidered shirt he wore to top it all off, complete with seemingly permanently-erect nipples poking through. He was almost ready to do battle against all the baddies. He was… the Firebrand.
April 6, 2015
We have completed the last of the extractions and the specimens should arrive by morning. This batch was from a country club in eastern Oklahoma. This is a bit of an outlier compared to the usual collection areas deeper within the heartland, but these subjects fit the bill. Any variation due to this is statistically improbable. As with the previous collections, the subjects were caucasian, middle class, Christian males. The samples were collected under the pretense of a blood drive to support police officers injured during attacks by liberal protestors. Updates will cease until the experiment officially commences.
April 23, 2015
We have finished sequencing the genomes of each of the samples. We have a total number of 370 samples from locations throughout the Midwest, with the largest portion coming from Ohio and Illinois, although there were a few outliers from Allen, Romano, and other benefactors. There are certain aspects from each that we wish to express within the subject. Pronounced nordic fold. Pasty complexion. Receding hairline. If we stick to the schedule then we should move on to lab trials within the week. Read more
Mad Kasix: Cruzy Road
Kasix stood over the cliff overlooking the large expanse of sand and wasteland surrounding the entire land. This land used to be the great state of Utah, but after the primaries… It looked exactly the same. But that was beside the point, because Utah reminded Kasix of nothing but the brutality and disgusting destruction of the past twelve months of this Presidential Election…
The Prince of Light
The sunrise shone brightly like an omelette, steam rising from the skillet as the cheese melted into its surface. No, wait. More like a sponge cake rising in the oven. Yeah, that sounded better.
Today is the fifth month anniversary of Home Clipart Animal Deer. It seems like it’s been forever, but it hasn’t even been half a year yet. Hmm, weird.
Well, considering we’ve updated almost every single day in the past five months (we have missed about six of them), we’ve racked up quite the impressive backlog of posts. Not all of them are created equally, though, at least in the eyes of readers. So what are the Top Five posts we’ve gotten so far?
(Read on so you can see them!)
Mitt Romney’s Dream at 2:30 AM on January 27th, 2016
Foreword: All Primary maps were generated using a cool tool from RealClearPolitics. Check it out here. You may have to open the maps in a different tab to view them in full-size.
January 27th, 2016
Mitt Romney laid over in his bed and his face hitt Ann’s back. It woke him up, his eyes jolting open. His vision was blurry and his mind was spinning from whatever he was dreaming about.
He then felt the warmth of his blanket and of Ann’s back. He put his arm around her, put his head back against his pillow, and closed his eyes.
It was a very long, cold night, and Mitt’s mind cleared into an icy Iowan landscape, one that he was so familiar of, for all those years before…
January 29th, 2016
Sean Hannity turned to Mitt in that same-as-always spin and smiled. “So here on the show today we have a very special guest coming to talk to us. It’s former Massachusetts Governor and Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney. Mitt, how are you today?”
“Honey, I’m home!” John Kasich called out, hanging his coat and fedora on the on the rack by the door. “Man, that was some day of campaigning, I’ll tell you what. I’ve had it about up to here with that Donald Trump fella.”
John sniffed the air like a bloodhound. A warm, savory scent flowed from the kitchen. John entered the sweltering room. The heat emanating from the old stove was making him sweat, so John took off his suit jacket and flung it onto the seat of a dining room chair
“Hmmm, that smells delicious. What’s cooking?”
John stood there for a second, listening to the soft ticking of the egg timer on the kitchen counter. Read more
GOP Debate: Energy
The debate stage was set. Lindsey “Linds” Graham in the center, with John Kosoick on his left, and the Alternate Reality Jim Gilmore (ARJG) on his right. The others on the left included Jeb!, The Donald, and Scott Walker. Those on the right side were Ted Cruz, Science Man (formerly known as Ben Carson), and George Pataki.
Off to the side, those that had participated in the undercard debate, were Rick Santorum, Robert Jindal, Carly Fiorina, Our Universe’s Jim Gilmore (OUJG) and Marco Rubio. They got to sit and watch as the big boys were asked the real-candidate questions. Rand Paul had been missing for two weeks, and a massive search party still had not brought any results, so he was not present at the debate.
“Okay, candidates,” the moderator said. “You know the rules. When addressed, you have exactly twenty-five seconds to answer the question. Then if you bring someone up, they get two minutes to rebut your claim.”
“Is everyone ready…” the other guy next to the moderator, who may have also been a moderator, not sure, began. “TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!”
John Kasich dove behind a large chunk of sandstone, narrowly avoiding the gaze of the spotlight that surveyed the periphery of the base. He knew that inside this facility, past the barbed wire fences and layers of concrete, the Iranians were building something unspeakable, and if the government wasn’t going to do anything about it then he was. The spotlight made a second pass and he was off, a black blur scurrying toward the length of chainlink right below the guard tower. Kasich rustled through his utility belt for the correct tool. Garrote? No. Knockout drops? No. EMP grenade? No. Swiss Army knife? Bingo. This was the most important tool in one’s survival belt and John knew that it would come in handy at some point. Koosook flipped Kasich out the wire cutter tool and got to work on the fence. He was in.