Joe Biden took a massive sip of bloody mary flavored vapor, letting the taste of tomato and worcestershire sauce fully coat the insides of his lungs before exhaling. The smell of crackling firewood co-mingled with the (unfortunately) non-alcoholic beverage smoke, filling the cozy den of the Motel 6 with a wall of smog until it was breached by 5’ 7” of pure man; Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Lindsey carried a mint julep in each hand and placed one next to the Vice President. Read more ›
The pale-skinned man sprayed his face with metallic paint, and, as the men next to him cheered him on, leapt onto a nearby car in a fiery explosion of stupidity and also fire. The car was perfectly intact, because, obviously it was protected from suicide bombers. It was the President’s fucking car. They thought of shit like suicide bombing road bandits when they built cars for Presidents.
“Dammit!” Martin O’Malley shouted, slamming his fist onto his desk. The sheer force of the impact cratered the desk. “Get me a new desk, this one is wearing out!” Several men rushed in, grabbed the desk, and carried it away from the Campaign HQ control room, hopefully bringing in a new one soon enough.
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“Hold the gates!” Berndalf the White shouted from the highest tower of Dommu Biancu. The Hordes of Repüblikhan tore at the alabaster shell of the city’s walls and into its interior like a flesh-eating virus. Small pockets of the city watch were spread thin, fighting desperately to keep the monsters from spreading deeper into the city. As valiantly as they fought, they couldn’t hold the hordes back for long; the Repüblikhans were too numerous.
“Fight, my brothers!” Berndalf boomed, his voice echoing across the city like a clap of thunder. “As long as one of us still stands, the Repüblikhans will never take Dommu Biancu!”
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This MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY get ready to be on the EDGE OF YOUR SEAT because today is… COLUMBUS DAY! Celebrate 500+ years of celebrating a genocidal Italian by doing… NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINAAAAAARRYYYYYYY! We have A PRESIDENTIAL STORYYYYYYY starring JOE BIDEEEEEEN as well as MORE OF THE SAME STUFF WE POST EVERY WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(PS sorry I’ve been largely absent for the past couple of weeks. I’ve been starting school and a new job, being deathly ill, and playing a bit more Metal Gear Solid V than I would care to admit. But that’s all gonna change! I’m here now, don’t you worry!)