Ted and John: Super-Teamup Fight Time Go!
It was almost time.
Ted Cruz pulled up the spandex on his suit in a glorious montage, showing his latex gloves, his American flag-patterned boots, his metal-studded codpiece, and the amazing T-embroidered shirt he wore to top it all off, complete with seemingly permanently-erect nipples poking through. He was almost ready to do battle against all the baddies. He was… the Firebrand.
Mitt Romney’s Dream at 2:30 AM on January 27th, 2016
Foreword: All Primary maps were generated using a cool tool from RealClearPolitics. Check it out here. You may have to open the maps in a different tab to view them in full-size.
January 27th, 2016
Mitt Romney laid over in his bed and his face hitt Ann’s back. It woke him up, his eyes jolting open. His vision was blurry and his mind was spinning from whatever he was dreaming about.
He then felt the warmth of his blanket and of Ann’s back. He put his arm around her, put his head back against his pillow, and closed his eyes.
It was a very long, cold night, and Mitt’s mind cleared into an icy Iowan landscape, one that he was so familiar of, for all those years before…
January 29th, 2016
Sean Hannity turned to Mitt in that same-as-always spin and smiled. “So here on the show today we have a very special guest coming to talk to us. It’s former Massachusetts Governor and Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney. Mitt, how are you today?”
“Who are you?”
“I’m no-one.” I answer. I’ve been raised to do one thing. But I’ve got nothing to fight for, anymore. Surely she knows this.
“No you’re not, Carly,” she says. “You’re a good girl and a smart girl, that’s the right answer. Now go upstairs and do your homework.”
“God!” I yell as I toss my hands in the air and march back to my bedroom. “You never let me do anything!”
I slam the door shut and jump on my bed, tears flowing from my eyes. It’s not fair. It’s never been fair. Mom wants me to focus on my homework, and school, but I don’t care about any of that. I just want to hang out with my friends, and I’ll never get to do it.
“Don’t call me Ben Carson anymore. From now on, my name will be Science Man.”
Scott Walker, Scott Walker. What do we have here? I see you standing in front of a white wall, and you’re staring at it very intently, but I don’t know what you’re seeing in this wall. Could it be that you see something nobody else does? Very mysterious, Scott.
You turn around and look at me, and you don’t look so happy. What’s wrong, Scott? Cat got your tongue? Did a dog get your tongue? Surely something nabbed your tongue and got right outta here with it.
“Nobody’s got my tongue,” you say. Well then, what’s up with this wall business, Scott? I can’t understand what you’re doing, Scott. I don’t think anyone can. “I’m sad,” you say. I just don’t think that’s a reason to be staring at a white wall though. Why not look out the window, or in the mirror? Go people-watching, see all the sad people who are sadder than you.