You’ve heard of American Beauty. You’ve heard of American Psycho. You’ve heard of American Beauty/American Psycho. Now get ready for American Bartender!
He’s the real deal: a muscular hunk of man that will serve you the liquid part of a meal. Watch him now in one of nearly infinite locations in fifty states and several territories!*
Watch him pour that pint of beer, that fruity cocktail, or just some good old fashioned whiskey. He does fancy tricks like juggling the cocktail shaker, pouring drinks from a great height, and flexing his biceps so that he can get better tips. A visit to your local American bartender’s bar is more satisfying and entertaining than any visit to the cinema could ever be.
You swoon. You sigh. You gaze longingly. His broad shoulders, determined air, and dapper sense of fashion all point to the reasons people come back to his bar night after night. Yes, he is an attractive, masculine man.
There have been many songs written about American bartenders. Most of them are bawdy and inappropriate. You’re writing one right now, in fact. Your composition book contains the first several verses of a poem you intend to later set to music; the poem uses a lusty metaphor about spilling frothy liquid out of spouts and pouring drinks down people’s throats. You would never show your writing from this notebook to your mother.
You take the last sip of your drink. You try to remember if the area you live in allows alcoholic drinks to be carried openly in the street. You think you remember that only certain areas of Georgia and Nevada allow this and even then only on certain days. You finish your drink just in case. You leave the bar. You tell yourself that tomorrow you will ask your American bartender if he has plans for next Saturday night. He probably does. He is, in fact, a very popular and attractive American bartender.
*If you have forgotten that the United States has territories, then you either are not from America or you, like many other people, have been failed by the American education system. It’s not your fault. You know better now.