(Hey, I actually wrote something!)
“Howdy, kids! It’s me, your pal Cow Cow!” said Cow Cow the Cartoon Cow to nobody in particular as he jigged a merry jig across the rolling green pastures of McCormick Farms, leaping between the smelly piles of hide and fat that were the other cattle. “I’m here to teach y’all about friendship!”
The other cows didn’t make eye contact with the frolicking bovine, but not out of annoyance or spite. They were simply too stupid to know or care about how absurd it was that there was a cow dancing on its hind legs and singing. They just looked off with a glazed over, wall-eyed stare, chewing their cud and occasionally letting out a moo or a puff of gas. Farmer McCormick was making his weekly rounds, checking every other cow or so for any defects or disease. He’d inspect their gums, check for any cuts or other surface symptoms and, when everything appeared to be in working order, he would let them return to grazing. He ran a pretty tight ship, so there were very few times that he had to call in a vet to patch up one of the animals… or a more drastic solution. Today, however, was the exception.
McCormick walked up to the gyrating Cow Cow and paused. “Now what the hell d’ya call this?”
“Howdy, Farmer McCormick!” Cow Cow beamed at the old man. “It sure is a nice day on the farm if I do say so myself!”
McCormick trained his eyes up and down the length of the animal, now on all fours but still tapping his hoof. Out of the thousands of cows that he had seen come and go over his years, this one was unlike any other. “Ain’t sound like no ‘moo’ I’ve ever heard.” McCormick reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a walkie talkie. “Hey Roy, get out here to the south pasture. I need someone to make sure I ain’t lost all my marbles yet.”
A few minutes of silent bewilderment later and Roy pulled up in a faded red pickup truck. Cow Cow tirelessly flailed his hoofs in the air in celebration of another beautiful day on the farm. Farmer McCormick stared on.
“Now ain’t that the queerest thing you ever seen, Roy?” McCormick said. “That there cow is dancin’ like he’s got ants in his breeches. You ever seen a dancin’ cow before?”
“I’m not too sure if that’s dancin’, pa,” Roy said. “The poor creature looks like it’s in pain. It’s probably got some kind of disease or disability or somethin’. Just look at its face, pa. Somethin’ ain’t right with it.”
“You sure? Maybe we just got some kind of miracle cow, like the pig from Charlette’s Web except for on accounts of him being a cow.” McCormick walked closer to the cow and extended his hand.
“What’s the matter, farmer? Is something wrong?” Cow Cow asked. “Oh, I get it! You just want a hug, don’t ya! Well, come here!”
Cow Cow jumped up on his hind legs and flung himself onto Farmer McCormick, attempting to embrace the kindly old man. McCormick recoiled, scrambling out of reach of Cow Cow.
“Lord almighty, Roy. I don’t know what I was thinking. Something is causing this gentle creature to act like some kind of wild beast. What do you s’pose we do? Should we call Doc Holden or just wait and see how he’s doing later?”
“Well, pa, I know you don’t like to do this, and usually ain’t too thrilled about in neither, but I think we might just have to help this poor guy…” Roy lowered his voice, “move on to the other side.”
“C’mon, Roy. Ain’t you jumping the gun a bit? We might wake up and find him fit as a fiddle, actin’ like a cow instead of… well, whatever you call this,” McCormick said.
“You saw the way he attacked you, pa! This cow’s a danger to himself and the rest of the herd. We can’t just let him have another one of them spasms and end up hurting another cow,” Roy said. “Hell, this may be contagious. And besides, how can we let him go on living like this? That ain’t much of a life at all.”
“Whatcha guys talkin’ about over there? You wanna play tag?” Cow Cow mooed at them.
“I… I guess you’re right, son,” McCormick sighed. “Just promise me you’ll make it quick. I don’t want him to suffer.”
“He won’t feel a thing, pa. I promise.” Roy walked over to Cow Cow and gave him a pat on the side. “Hey, big guy. You wanna go for a ride?”
“Ooooh, a ride! That sounds like one heck of a good time!” Cow Cow smiled.
“C’mon, get on up there.” Roy lead Cow Cow toward the truck and let him hop into the bed. “We’re gonna go to that great big pasture in the sky.”
“Oh boy, sounds like a plan! I hope I can make some new friends there are we can sing and dance all night long!”
Roy hopped into the driver’s seat, turned the ignition, and drove off toward the barn. Cow Cow hummed a happy tune. He was excited to be riding in a car for the first time and couldn’t wait until the ride back from the great big pasture since he would get to do it again. Roy looked over at the cattle gun that rolled across the floor in front of the passenger’s seat.