March 22nd, 2016
Sean Hannity turned around in that same-as-always spin and smiled. “So, Ted, what are you doing to fend off the constant attacks from Donald Trump and Ben Carson, among others?”
“I don’t have to do anything at all, and thanks for having me on your show. You know, as the only candidate left with any real conservative values, I often wonder why the left keeps berating me. And I see it as this: the progressives in America have run so deep that they’re even here in the Republican Party, often leading in the polls. Donald the Democrat is only one of those progressives.”
“And you’ve been very vocal about this so called ‘leftist backloading’, as you call it.”
“It’s disgusting. Treacherous. The primary calendar is set up intentionally to defeat the hopes and dreams of actual conservative candidates, especially in this election. Who even wants the votes of these blue-dog states like New York and Pennsylvania? They’re not voting for us in the general election, so why do they get to vote for us in the primary election?”
“I feel the same way as you do, Senator.”
April 5th, 2016
April 6th, 2016
April 13th, 2016
Mitt picked up the phone and heard a loud swear. “You told me!” the voice shouted. It was Jeb!, of course. “You told me you would support my run!”
“Jeb!, Jeb!, Jeb!, calm down,” Mitt said. “What in blazes are you talking about?”
“You told me you were going to endorse me if it got this late in the race. You darn well told me!”
Mitt stammered out, “Jeb!… Jeb!… I’m so sorry… I just thought that my neutrality would…”
“Help things? You’re definitely right,” Jeb! said. He started sobbing in between sentences. “If by help you mean completely ruin everything. I hate you, Mitt. I hate you.” Jeb! hung up the phone.
Mitt slowly lowered his phone from his ear.
April 19th, 2016
May 4th, 2016
A dozen reporters stormed Paul Ryan as he stepped out of his car and walked towards the capitol. They flashed their cameras and asked so many questions at once that it was no more than a wall of sound.
Speaker Ryan raised his hand to shush them. “I’ll take questions. But not right now. I haven’t had my third coffee yet and I can’t–”
One reporter, a spunky young female who looked like Rooney Mara got through to the front of the crowd and got to Paul specifically. “Speaker Ryan,” she said. “Do you think your party is going to fail?”
“I– uh, no,” he said. “Absolutely not. The Republican Party is staying strong and is going to win the election in November.”
“Who do you think the nominee will be in July? Have you had any discussions with party leaders about who to support?”
“Well,” Paul began. “Since today’s a good day to say it, I think the only thing that knows who’s going to be our nominee right now is the will of the Force.” The reporters groaned.
“Thank you for your time,” the reporter said.
“You’re welcome, and May the Fourth be with you.” He continued to make his way towards his office.
May 17th, 2016
May 20th, 2016
“I did it in Oregon,” shouted Rand as he shouted at the Seattleites crowded around him. “And I’m gonna do it again in Washington! Both of them!” This remark elicited some quick laughter, as it had everywhere he said it this week.
An aide scooted up to Rand and tried to whisper something in his ear. He brushed her away and continued to speak. “The Republican Party is crumbling from beneath our feet, but that doesn’t mean we need to give up and run with our tails underneath our legs. We can use this opportunity to forge ahead with a new party that will actually protect our liberty and not be involved in constant quagmires around the globe!”
Rand saw something from the corner of his eye, but he paid more attention to the cheering masses around him. “The Libertarians are sick and tired of these so-called conservatives that talk one way, but act another way just because of their own interests or religious beliefs! As Gary Johnson once told me, ‘There–”
Rand didn’t feel it until a few seconds after the sound, and until after he saw the blood oozing out of his chest. People started screaming and running around. A man in a wife-beater was tackled to the ground as he continued to shout, “JUSTICE FOR TRUMP! JUSTICE FOR TRUMP!”
Rand felt like he wanted to pass out. It didn’t hit his heart as far as he could tell but it did want to make him collapse onto the ground. Instead, he nearly kneeled down and yelled, “Everyone! Stop!” Everyone stopped. “I don’t know if you realize, but I’ve been shot!” Several people ran up to him and lifted him up off the ground. The ambulance sirens were wailing off in the distance and getting closer. “However…” He coughed up some blood. “It takes more than that to kill a Libertarian!”
The crowd went wild. Rand passed out soon afterwards.
May 27th, 2016
June 7th, 2016
June 8th, 2016
Chris Christie basked in the sand on a private beach in Florida. His wife was cooking hamburgers on a nearby grill, but he was just tanning and relaxing. It was the best he felt in ages. He did need to return to the New Jersey legislature eventually, but he knew he deserved a break.
Forty more days until the convention, and then he could get fired up again…
June 8th, 2016
Marco once again looked out of the window to his living room, this time with a much more solemn outlook. Mitt once again sat in a nearby chair, his feet propped up as he read the newspaper.
“I’m not going to be President, am I?” Marco asked him.
Mitt lowered his newspaper. “Marco…”
“I have 304 delegates,” he said. “I need 900 more. Do you really think I’m going to be able to convince the entire party to hand the nomination to me after all I’ve accomplished?” He started to cry. “I only won two states…”
“Marco, you should do what you think is best for the Republican Party.” Mitt stood up and put his hand on his shoulder. “Just do what you feel is right. Do you want to win, or do you want to try again?”
“I… I don’t know…”
“Well, once you decide, just tell me. If you decide to play kingmaker, I can give you some advice.”
June 15th, 2016
Lindsey Graham sat down on Paul’s desk as Paul went over to his coffee machine and fixed two cups. He didn’t say anything, but looked around at the Speaker’s office with an impish grin. He kicked his feet in the air like a child.
“I don’t know what we’re going to do,” Paul said, finally. He took a receipt out of his pocket and dropped it in the trash bin.
“We don’t have to do nothing,” Lindsey said. “The party’s gonna work everything out at the convention, sure as sugar. If we get a good nominee we might be able to salvage everything. If we get a bad one, then we get to say hello to the Seventh Party System, just like a newborn baby.”
Paul took Lindsey’s cup of coffee over to him. “A newborn baby that’ll cost me my job after less than a year,” he said.
“Well, maybe we’ll be in a new party by then so it won’t matter.”
Paul shrugged. “We’ll see on July 18th.”
July 4th, 2016
Carly and her husband Todd strolled down a nice path in Central Park as they watched the fireworks explode in the air. American flags were posted everywhere. Carly slipped her hand into his and felt something magical.
She wasn’t sure whether it was the mood of the holiday or Todd’s warm palm or just the mixture of smells of burning explosives and sizzling hamburgers, but she felt extremely patriotic at the moment. This was probably a good thing, considering she was technically still running for President even right now.
She only has 95 delegates, but that was enough. What was she going to get out of it? She wasn’t sure. Secretary of the Treasury? UN Ambassador? Vice President? Whatever it was, she felt the power trip every time she thought about it. Less than 100 delegates and she could still decide the fate of the entire Presidential race.
It was amazing.
July 18th, 2016
FIRST DAY OF THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION:
Everything went to shit.
July 19th, 2016
[THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT]
“–rounds of voting and still no nominee? This is some nail-biting stuff! Who would have ever thought one year ago that having seventeen candidates in a Presidential race would ever end with a contested convention? I mean, when guys like Jim Gilmore are–”
[THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH]
“–couldn’t have asked for a better first year for me to host the Daily Show. I’m serious. GOP, thank you so much. It’s been–”
“–almost. Maybe you should have run for President, Joe.”
“Then I wouldn’t be able to host this amazing show with you guys.”
“But man, after Bloomberg joined in, you’d have thought the GOP would have wanted to try and–”
[ANDERSON COOPER 360]
“–reports coming out that Carly Fiorina is allowing her delegates to pick whomever they choose. This would indicate that she has officially bowed out of the–”
July 19th, 2016
[OFFICIAL CONVENTION FLOOR MINUTES]
TRUMP: Come on guys, calm down. You’re acting like babies. Act like candidates. You’re babies.
JEB!: Shut up, Donald.
(Trump shrugs and smirks.)
JEB!: I’m not letting you two team up and box me out of this race.
KASICH: We’re not “teaming up”, Mr. Bush. We’re trying to figure out who should be the nominee.
CHRISTIE: If you think you can do better by consorting with Ben Carson and Ted Cruz then go ahead. We’re trying not to let one of the maniac candidates get–
JEB!: I’m sick and tired of these constant political maneuvers! You can’t just pretend that you’re actually electable when you have scandal after scandal, you barely care about your own–
KASICH: Calm down, you two. Maybe Trump is right.
JEB! AND CHRISTIE: (Simultaneously.) Shut up, John!
KASICH: I will not. I’m the candidate who can actually change America for the better. We have to stay positive, and–
JEB!: This isn’t a good time for your canned speeches. Seriously.
KASICH: It’s a great time, because Marco Rubio has decided to endorse me for President of the United States as of ten minutes ago.
(Everyone looks at Rubio, sitting silently in the corner.)
JEB!: How could you…
KASICH: I won twice in Ohio, and I’m going to do it again in November.
JEB!: That’s fucking it.
(Jeb! charges at Kasich.)
CHRISTIE: Oh no you don’t!
(Christie socks Jeb! in the forehead, knocking him over. He jumps down and they start fighting on the ground. Secret Service agents swarm the convention floor.)
July 19th, 2016
[OFFICIAL CONVENTION FLOOR MINUTES]
TRUMP: I’m not fucking doing this anymore!
TRUMP: I have the most delegates! I’ve led in the polls for months! The delegates love me! America loves me!
(Trump throws his hands in the air.)
TRUMP: I told you Republican fuckfaces I wasn’t going to fuck around if you didn’t play fair, and you’re not playing fair.
TRUMP: Ben Carson’s delegates love me. Ted Cruz’s delegates love me. I got the most delegates in the primaries. I have the most delegates now. I’m the winner and I should be nominated!
PAUL: That isn’t how that works, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: Now you listen here, Mr. 90 delegates. You can talk big, but–
Paul: You misunderstood me. Please listen, just like your supporter did after he tried to assassinate me in May. What I mean is, the Republican Party doesn’t nominate who wins. They nominate whichever blowhard buffoon can do the best job convincing the party elites to back them.
(Roars of applause.)
TRUMP: You know what, Rand? You’re right.
TRUMP: I’m getting the fuck out of this party. See you guys in November, and vote for me if you want to make America great again!
(Trump gets up and leaves the convention floor.)
Paul: Likewise, the Libertarian Party is calling, and I’m joining. I’m not letting party politics compromise the well-being of the American people.
(Paul leaves the convention floor.)
July 19th, 2016
Paul Ryan opened his hotel room, glad to finally be able to get some sleep. He was completely exhausted after over sixteen straight hours of–
It was Mitt Romney, sitting on Paul’s bed, eating a pack of candy cigarettes.
“What the hell are you doing here, Mitt?” Paul walked over to turn off the lamp but Mitt motioned for him to stop.
Mitt, covered in a shroud of darkness, laughed in his trademark robotic monotone. “It’s time for the Republican Party to unite under a leader, isn’t it?”
“Well… of course it is. That’s what we were trying to do all day today.”
“When two of the party’s candidates declare they are running as independents, that doesn’t sound like you are succeeding,” he said.
Paul sat down in the uncomfortable chair next to the bed. “I know… Mitt, what am I going to do?”
“Endorse me for the Republican nominee for President of the United States of America.”
Paul shifted uneasily in his seat. “I’m… I don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Yes you do.”
“I…. But, why? You declined to… run…”
“That’s because of Jeb!” Mitt shouted. He calmed himself down and took a deep breath. “He stole away my donors and organization after he found out about my plans. He backstabbed me so I got back at him.”
Paul could barely say anything in response. “What…”
“I already got rid of Christie with Bridget Anne Kelly, and Perry with Rosemary Lehmberg. Paul went down when Graham entered the race. Walker didn’t need anything special to get him out; he did that himself. But Jeb!… He didn’t have anything for me to use. The Bushes are too strong a family for me to bring down alone. So I had help.”
“Bill Clinton and I talked old Donald into it. It was easy, anyway. I had to negotiate very strongly with him in 2012 to get him to stay out.”
“This is… You’re lying, Mitt…”
“Just like I’m lying about the shit I had on Boehner to get him retire?”
Speaker Paul Ryan realized the implications of what Mitt was saying. “You mean you…”
“It was very lucky that Walter Jones and I had similar disinterest in seeing Kevin McCarthy elected Speaker, as well, don’t you think?”
Paul didn’t respond.
“But yes. I got you the Speakership job. It was a favor, remember? I told you I’d make up the loss in 2012 to you. But now I’m the one that wants a favor.”
Finally, Paul stood up and started to leave the hotel room. “I can’t do this, Mitt. This is corruption on the highest levels. This is madness.”
“This is politics.”
“I…” Paul trailed off. “How did the race get so impossibly chaotic, anyway…”
“I’m close friends with several of the candidates. Rubio is something of a protege to me. I convinced him and Fiorina to stay in the race longer to sap up the support from the other candidates. It was impossibly simple. Politicians are incredibly self-serving, after all; if they think they can get something out of anything, they’ll take it. It was harder convincing Ben Carson to stay in, but as long as you surround the idiot with a bunch of advisors that answer to you, he answers to you by proxy.”
“I can’t believe any of this.”
“It’s true. And it’s been worth it. Well, as long as you endorse me, that is.”
“Paul, please. Don’t do it for me. Do it for America.”
July 20th, 2016
[FOX & FRIENDS]
“–Romney has reluctantly decided to throw his hat in the ring. It was one of the day’s biggest surprises as–”
“–Kasich and Ben Carson have both endorsed Mitt Romney for the Republican nominee, imploring their delegates to choose him in the next round of voting. Will Jeb! and Chris–”
[CBS EVENING NEWS WITH SCOTT PELLEY]
“–officially gotten the majority of delegates and is declared the Republican nominee for–”
July 21st, 2016
Mitt stepped back onto the stage where he gave a rousing speech just four years ago. This time, the mood was completely different, and so he let himself slip into a different mood.
“To the people of the Republican Party– no, people of America: We have had a very tumultuous period these past few years. People all over the country have been angry. They’re angry at the government for going against their wishes. They’re angry at Wall Street for taking their money. They’re angry at politicians for delivering empty promises and bitter attacks. They’re angry at terrorists running rampant across the world. They’re angry and many of them bought into the extreme candidacies of people like Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, and Bernie Sanders.
“We can’t let ourselves buy into the ideas that America is fading away into mediocrity or declining into self-destruction. We’re an amazing country, and that’s why I cannot let the disgusting 2016 Presidential Campaign take over the whole of the nation.
“It is with great reluctance that I accept the Republican nomination once again. I do not want to give the American people a candidate that they will reject, but after what we have seen for the past six months of campaigning, and especially over the past few days, I will be your candidate for the Presidential election, if I can unite the party together.
“We already have factions of the party that have split off, but we cannot let those factions let our party be destroyed. We’re the greatest party of the greatest country on Earth, and we should not let ourselves go quietly into the night.
“So I ask you this, America: Will you accept me as your President? If so, I will run, and I will win.”
October 19th, 2016
MODERATOR: Your closing remarks, candidates. Thirty seconds. Starting with you, Secretary Clinton.
CLINTON: Thank you. Today, we have seen the breakdown of American society represented plainly in the fact that we have not two, not three, but six candidates on stage right now. The American people are divided. And they want change. If they want radicals who will ruin the government at the cost of change, then they can elect the others on this stage. But if they want steady progress and a steady hand at the nuclear button, then I am the woman to vote for.
MODERATOR: And you, Mayor Bloomberg.
BLOOMBERG: It isn’t exactly unknown that I am not the most-liked in many parts of the country. But I implore you to consider my record as Mayor of New York City and my promises for the country. I want to be President, unlike some people on this stage that seem to only want to advance their agenda or were pressured into the role. I want to lead you to peace and prosperity, and to a greater tomorrow for the country and for the world.
MODERATOR: Mr. Trump?
TRUMP: Fuck all of you. I’m not doing this because I want to make America better. I’m doing this to make America great again. We’re going to stop immigration. We’re going to build a wall. We’re going to get China out of our economy. We’re going to stop being a bunch of fucking losers. That is all.
MODERATOR: Uh… Well, Senator Paul.
PAUL: While I would spend my thirty seconds disagreeing with everything Donald Trump just said, I feel like our country is probably already aware that he is a weak candidate with nothing real to offer our country. If I am elected, though, I will bring our country liberty and democracy. We will abide by the Constitution and we will no longer be mired in the international messes that don’t involve us. We’ll balance the budget and cut the fat out of our bureaucracy. And it will be great.
MODERATOR: Ms. Stein, please.
STEIN: I just want to say, thank you all so much for supporting us enough to actually get us on-stage this time. I remember back when Ralph Nader was excluded in 2000; I’m so glad that that didn’t happen this time. Well, everything I’ve said here at this debate is exactly what the Green Party stands for. We want peace, we want equality, and we want clean energy!
MODERATOR: And finally, Governor Romney.
ROMNEY: (Clears throat.) We stand in a nation that is starkly divided into the greatest number of factions that we’ve seen since 1860. And back then we were on the brink of a Civil War. While we of course no longer under that threat in 2016, we have to remember to let ourselves unite. Division only seeds hatred and discord, as we have seen in the last eight years under President Barack Obama. These next four years, I want to bring the American people together. Will you please cast your vote for me when you go to the polls? It will do the country a good service. Thank you in advance.
November 8th, 2016
Balloons and confetti showered his head. Mitt Romney, 45th President of the United States of America.
He hugged his wife Ann and brought his sons in for a group hug. John Kasich ran up to them and high-fived Mitt’s left hand while his right held a grandson.
He was so, so happy right now. His smile was not fake, for the first time in a long time.
January 20th, 2017
Mitt’s hand was on the Bible.
“I do so solemnly–”
January 27th, 2016
Mitt’s eyes opened.
He woke up.