Mitt Romney’s Dream at 2:30 AM on January 27th, 2016
Foreword: All Primary maps were generated using a cool tool from RealClearPolitics. Check it out here. You may have to open the maps in a different tab to view them in full-size.
January 27th, 2016
Mitt Romney laid over in his bed and his face hitt Ann’s back. It woke him up, his eyes jolting open. His vision was blurry and his mind was spinning from whatever he was dreaming about.
He then felt the warmth of his blanket and of Ann’s back. He put his arm around her, put his head back against his pillow, and closed his eyes.
It was a very long, cold night, and Mitt’s mind cleared into an icy Iowan landscape, one that he was so familiar of, for all those years before…
January 29th, 2016
Sean Hannity turned to Mitt in that same-as-always spin and smiled. “So here on the show today we have a very special guest coming to talk to us. It’s former Massachusetts Governor and Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney. Mitt, how are you today?”
“I’m great, I’m great,” Mitt said, smiling with that semi-robotic grin that he always had.
“So, we’re obviously here to talk about something important,” Sean said. “And that something is the Presidential Race. The Iowa Caucus is in just a few days and it’ll be the first time the Republicans have had a primary without you since… oh, 2000?”
Mitt laughed. “Yes, it seems like it’s been a long time, doesn’t it?”
“Governor Romney, what are your feelings about the race in Iowa? How do you feel about characters like Donald Trump and Ted Cruz leading the polls where you were at the top of the pack in 2008 and 2012?”
“Well, I think they’d have been more fun candidates to face off against than Rick Santorum and Ron Paul, I’ll give them that.” Romney laughed again, and scooted a little bit in his chair. “But really, I think they’re both very bad for our party. I really think that we need the Republicans to unite around someone who can help bring the country together, rather than someone who is going to tear us apart with fear and hatred.”
Sean smirked. “That’s easy for you to say, as someone who isn’t in the race.”
“Well… I’m not unhappy about my decision. I think that it was a good one to make, considering everything that’s happened.”
“Are you thinking about endorsing anyone, to even out the field perhaps?” Sean asked with a sly eye.
“Hahaha, maybe. We’ll have to see. I like a lot of the candidates on the field right now.”
“Who do you think it’s down to at the moment?”
“Well, I think that’d be a little rude… I mean, I like Jeb!, he’s nice and everything… Carly’s good too. I’m glad her campaign is rebounding a little bit, you know? Honestly, it’d be harder to list who I didn’t like.”
“Well,” said Sean. “You must know that your endorsement would mean a lot. You have a lot of power there.”
“Maybe. I’d like to think that.”
February 1st, 2016
February 1st, 2016
Mike Huckabee stepped up to the podium.
“It’s time for me to say goodbye, and time for America to say hello. Because we’ve learned here in Iowa tonight, and the people have spoken. Therefore, I am suspending my campaign for the Republican nomination tonight.
“It’s with a heavy heart that I say this, but at least I know that our country is going to be safe in the hands of our next Republican candidate, because there ain’t no way Hillary’s gonna have us beat in November.
“As for tonight, I am glad for all of the candidates that performed well here in Iowa. But for the next night, and the next night after that, I have decided to make my opinion known that Ben Carson is the best choice moving forward for our country.
“I was told by several people that this would be a bad political move, to endorse someone like Trump or Cruz instead, but I have had enough of their blowhard buffoonery. Let’s put our party back on track with someone that can really change things for the better. Because God knows we need it after eight years under Obama.
“Thank all of you, and God bless you.”
February 9th, 2016
February 10th, 2016
Jeb! sat in his seat on the bus as they sped out of Las Vegas and towards Carson City.
“Yes, Chris, I’m stayin’ in,” he said to the voice on the phone. “You can endorse me if you want, but I’m not letting some blowhard buffoon like Kasich take the cake.”
“Fat chance,” Chris Christie said. “And believe me, I know fat chances. I’ve got some major infrastructure setting up for Super Tuesday, and I know I’m gonna walk away with a couple wins. You can focus on the early states all you want, but my momentum is what’s gonna win it.”
Jeb! covered the phone’s microphone and swore loudly, then put it back to his ear. “Put Johnny on the phone. Let’s make this a group conversation.”
“Hey?” came that lovable gruff voice from the other end of the call. “You guys saw how I did last night? Pretty cool, huh?”
“Yeah yeah,” Jeb! said. “It doesn’t matter. We need to know your game plan. Are you going to going to endorse me? Or Chris?”
“I’m just saying, you might have done well in New Hampshire but you don’t got a chance if you haven’t already started deploying ground troops to every state from here to March 15th.” Jeb! took an apple out of the bus’s fridge and took a bite out of it.
Chris butted in. “And don’t you dare start trying to bomb us with attack ads after all your ‘optimism for America’ bullshit. We will call you the fuck out on that.” What Chris lacked in primary results, he made up for in unfiltered conversational skills.
“Listen, boys,” John said. “I won New Hampshire last night. I don’t need to listen to you guys about anything. You still have Rubio on your tails to worry about, you know.”
“You came in second,” Jeb! said. “Eight points behind Trump. That’s a big difference if you ask me.”
“Well, if either of you are dropping out, make sure to give me a good word first,” John said. He left the call.
“Chris, we’ve gotta do something.”
“I dunno, man. You’re on your own here. I’m just gonna focus on my own shit. You can take him down however you like.” Chris left the call.
Jeb! threw his apple against a window and swore again.
February 13th, 2016
MODERATOR: Trump, what do you have to say about all of the attack ads sent your way? Do you think the GOP is truly as welcoming to you as it says if it’s spending nearly $30 million a week on tearing you down?
TRUMP: I think it’s crazy. I hate it. I think these people are a bunch of losers. Big losers. I don’t even know why Crazy Carly and Rand Paul are on the stage still. Why are they still here? Who let them in?
PAUL: We’re on this stage because people still believe in us to defeat someone as vile as you. You’re not going to win this election with your tough talk and vague policies.
FIORINA: Well, Rand, Trump has tapped into an anger that we haven’t felt in our country for a very long time. People are angry, and so are we. We’re going to save our country from whoever it needs saving from, whether that be Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, or Donald Trump.
CRUZ: America’s gonna be great as long as one of us in in office, that’s for sure! Even if it’s Trump!
JOHN: Well, as Governor of Ohio, I balanced the budget, increased jobs, and got our state back on its feet after the recession. I did it in Washington, I did it in Ohio, and I’ll do it for America.
MODERATOR: Uh, Governor Kasich… We didn’t ask you a question.
JOHN: Oh, my bad.
February 20th, 2016
February 21st, 2016
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” said Marco as he looked out the window to his living room. He was back in D.C. for an important vote, but it was merely distracting him from the actually-important things, which was of course the campaigns across the country.
“Just do what you think is best for the country. Don’t be self-serving about it.”
“Well, I’m not running again in the Senate… so I’m not sure what else I could do for the country.” He watched as one of his gardeners clipped the hedges.
“You could endorse one of your colleagues and help them defeat Trump.”
“Out of the question. No.” Rubio pointed harshly, but then calmed his demeanor. “I mean, I’m not doing badly. I’ve done okay in every state so far. But that’s the problem. I don’t see myself breaking out in this current field. Is it worth it? I don’t know.”
“Well, I don’t think I can tell you anything that you don’t already know. In or out, you’re going have a good career ahead of you. Just remember, doing well is still doing well. I should have known that better in 2008.”
“You may be right…” Marco stepped away from the window and shook his hand. “Thanks, Mitt.”
February 23rd, 2016
February 24th, 2016
Shut the fuck up, Trump thought. Shut the fuck up and fuck everything. But he didn’t say that as he walked around Trump Towers with his most favorite potential donor in the world. “No, no, Mr. Koch. I’m leading in the delegates and I’m leading in the polls in almost every Super Tuesday state. I’m amazing.”
Mr. Koch gave an incredulous look. “You’re certainly confident in your abilities. But not enough to ignore my calls…”
Trump gulped. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “I’m getting ready for the general election. It’s gonna be a sweep. Hillary won’t know what hit her.”
“If you say so…” Mr. Koch’s attention diverted and he began to look at the pufferfish in a nearby aquarium.
“Ah,” Trump said. “That beauty was an import from… Malaysia, I believe.”
February 27th, 2016
Ben Carson looked out at Centennial Olympic Park and saw the crowd of people. He really felt fired up. Moreso than anything else in the rest of his life. Separating those conjoined twins was nothing compared to seeing his supporters in action.
“Welcome, everyone! I think Atlanta is one of the best places in the world! Shout if you agree!” He was actually shouting to crowds in a way that people could hear him. This… This was fun. Everyone else shouted along with him, of course.
“Alright, you know well you’ve got a lot of choices when you head to the polls on Tuesday. But you know which one’s the best choice, right?” More cheers. “You’ve got to spread the word. Ben Carson for President, please!”
His campaign was saved by an influx of cash right after Iowa. He thought it to be a command from God. He didn’t care where the money came from, but he did care that he take that command and deliver God a victory on the primary battlefield.
February 28th, 2016
Rand walked down the street in Perham, Minnesota, going from one town hall meeting to another across the city. His staffers followed him close behind, but they weren’t speaking. They were mostly confused, worried about the campaign that seemed completely hopeless.
Rand didn’t speak either. He was merely focused on his campaign… That is, until he saw a familiar figure walking down the street in the opposite direction. Carly Fiorina.
The two of them met each other and shook hands. “How are you doing. Carly?” he asked.
“Just fine. I’m going to a town hall meeting,” she said. “What are you doing?”
“The same. Mine’s across the city, though. Are you…” They both knew exactly what he was about to say. Both of them were languishing in the polls and had virtually no chance of securing the nomination at this point.
“No. I’m going to stay in until the end,” she said. “And you’d better, too.”
Rand hesitated for a moment. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
“Positive. Promise me you’ll go as far as you can.”
“I… I will.”
The two candidates’ staffers caught up with them, and they parted ways.
It was a simple moment but one that made Rand feel… something inside.
March 1st, 2016
“John, come on, look at this!”
“Ah?” John Kasich looked at his advisor and realized what she meant. He stood up and ran into the “situation room”.
“The results are coming in!”
John read everything coming up on the screen:
He was winning Minnesota. He was projected to be at over twenty-five percent of the vote. Chris had won Vermont and the vote was still too close to call in Virginia and Massachusetts, but this victory in Minnesota was a resounding success.
“Ha,” Kasich’s advisor said. “Look at that. Carson won Georgia after all. I guess that’s going to put a dent in Trump’s steamroller.”
“Yeah,” John said. But he wasn’t paying that much attention. He was mostly excited that he finally won a state. This was pretty awesome. “Maybe I AM the Prince of Light!”
His advisors all stared at him.
March 1st, 2016
March 2nd, 2016
[SITUATION ROOM WITH WOLF BLITZER]
“–aren’t dropping out. We’ve learned just now that we have full confirmation that Chris Christie is staying in the race. He joins the eight other candidates that–”
[THE KELLY FILE]
“–think that it’s time for you to exit the race, Ms. Fiorina?”
“No, no, I don’t think that at all. I’m going to stay in it until the end.”
“Because I believe that I am the best choice for America.”
“Is there something that you know that–”
[HARDBALL WITH CHRIS MATTHEWS]
“–speech by Jeb! earlier this evening, take a look:”
“And I’m fired up! We’re going to have a great time here in America in 2017 once I’m elected President! It’s gonna be great! I’m gonna fix it! Can you–”
[NBC NIGHTLY NEWS WITH LESTER HOLT]
“–losers. That’s all there is to it. That’s what they are.”
“But how can you say that when seventy-five percent of Americans support everyone but you? Why do you think Americans are so undecided?”
“Well, it’s because the party is weak. They don’t know how to make deals anymore. They can’t win. How are they gonna pick a candidate when–”
March 2nd, 2016
Ted Cruz and Ben Carson sat in on a Wednesday night service at the United Methodist Church of the Resurrection in Leawood, Kansas. The pastor was talking about something captivating and interesting, Ted was sure,but… he couldn’t pay attention.
Right next to him was the biggest spoiler in American history. Ted should have won the nomination by yesterday, but the spoiler stole his victory and let Trump walk away with Alabama, Oklahoma, and Wyoming. It sucked.
What was he to do but sit quietly, keep trudging, and hope that Trump and Carson both flamed out? It was claustrophobic and exhausting, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. His candidacy was as good as lost unless he could break through…. somehow.
March 4th, 2016
Rubio dinged his wineglass and stood up. The focus of every dinner table in the restaurant was on him. “You might be wondering why I brought you here today…” A few people chuckled. “No, but really, you are the people that make Tampa the great city that it is. I love all of your for it.”
His eyes darted across the room, trying to find someone under the age of 55 that he could get to stand up and come over to him without making things awkward and giving them really bad hip pains.
As far as he could tell, nobody. That ruined any funny plans he had. He took a sip of his wineglass (filled with vodka) and sat back down at his table. He leaned back and winked at the Secret Service agent standing closest to him.
March 5th, 2016
March 5th, 2016
Rand’s face beamed.
I’m still in this race, dammit, he thought as he stepped out onto the stage to deliver his victory speech.
March 10th, 2016
MODERATOR: Ms. Fiorina, some have considered your district-stacking technique in Minnesota to be very ruthless, and the thirteen delegates you took from John Kasich to be no more than prolonging the race further than it has already gone.
FIORINA: At this point, I doubt even the American people know what they want. But it’s not my fault that the American people want real leadership. I may not be polling like the big dogs in every state, but I have it where it counts.
MODERTOR: Is fifteen delegates really where it counts, Ms. Fiorina? With all due respect–
JEB!: See, this is all part of the chaos that Donald Trump has brought into the campaign. By bringing in the most negative aspects of the race and then letting everything that has ensued ensue, he is doing nothing more than encouraging this type of useless grandstanding that so many candidates on this stage are doing. This isn’t a political game; we’re trying to unite a party here, not send it into oblivion.
CHRISTIE: Oh, come on, Jeb!. We all know this is code for “Please drop out, Chris and Marco, so I can win, I really want it!” Bah. If you were a stronger candidate, you would have already united the party.
JEB!: The same can be said for yourself.
MODERATOR: Sirs, sirs, please calm down–
CARSON: If I may have a word, please…
MODERATOR: Ah… Thirty seconds.
CARSON: Hillary Clinton is going to secure the nomination on the fifteenth. At this rate, we aren’t going to have a candidate until July, at least from what my aides have been telling me. I for one think one of us may be the nominee by the fifteenth as well, but it will only happen if voters decide who he or she will be.
TRUMP: And who’ll it be? One of these cocksuckers, or me?
PAUL: This is how liberty dies, you know. We take a party that is already fragmented and then try to exploit it for our own gain. People like Trump and Jeb! are merely pawns in a bigger political game, and that game is the one perpetrated by Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to erode our Constitutional rights.
CRUZ: I can agree with that!
[Rand and Ted fist-bump]
MODERATOR: What do you have to say, Jeb!?
JEB!: I… Well, I think that attack is unprofessional and unbecoming of a Presidential candidate. I think you should apologize, Rand.
PAUL: No, I think you should apologize to the American people for bringing this party down!
(Paul and Rubio exchange a quick glance.)
March 15th, 2016