Hillary Clinton slouched in her throne, looking down upon her advisers like a lioness surveying a herd of gazelle. Her underlings trembled under her palpable gaze. She could taste their fear but, for once in her reign, that wasn’t enough. The Crown Princess demanded answers. Hillary unfurled her crooked spine exhaled a puff of smoke.
“Which one of you will answer for these transgressions?” Hillary clacked her scepter on the floor. “Is it you, David the campaign manager?” One of the underlings let out an audible chirp, now shaking so fast that he could barely keep himself standing. The clockwork ticking of gold on marble was maddening, but David didn’t say a word. Hillary stopped. “No, it wasn’t this one.
“Hmmmmm, and what of Marie, the Social Media Director? Is she the reason why that geriatric communist is now ahead of me in two states!?” Hillary tossed her scepter at the woman. Its crystalline head shattered and flecks of glass washed across the throne room floor. The woman fell backwards, shrieking in pain as hundreds of glass splinters sliced her palms.
“I did everything you asked, my lordess! I posted YouTube videos of your interview with Oprah! I tweeted pictures of you and President Obama shaking hands! I have served you faithfully, my liege! Anything that has gone wrong is no mistake of mine!”
Hillary beckoned to her scepter boy, who promptly delivered her a replacement. As soon as the rod met her hand she tossed it across the room and bolted to her feet. “Then who is to blame? Surely you aren’t insinuating that I am the cause of the shortcomings of you insolent whelps!”
“N-n-no, m’lady! I was just-”
“Choose these next words wisely, cur.”
“It is, of course, not your fault, my lordess. It is this fault of the campaign as a whole. We, as a collective, are responsible for this failure!”
Hillary wrapped her hands around the head of her third scepter and returned to her throne. “Go on, then. Explain why I should not have you all beheaded and replaced by any of those plucky interns scrambling to just share the same air as I.”
“The reason this Sanders, this duplicitous infiltrator of Your Highness’ beloved party, is winning is because, ironically, he is winning the votes of the young and impressionable.”
“Do tell how this man, old enough to be their great grandfather, is inspiring these hip, young humanlings?”
“Why, m’lady… he had become a meme.”
Hillary stared at Marie, not maliciously, but with the perplexed look of a baby seeing a helium filled balloon float into the sky. “What, do tell, is a… meme?”
“It is the term that the young ones give to their internet jokes. Somehow, the Sanders man has become one with the memes and spread across the internet like a virus, infecting the fragile minds of young American voters.”
“How can we combat this? Speak now! How can one possibly compete with a foe who has become one with the internet?”
“M’lady… you must become a meme yourself…”
* * *
“…top 1/10th of one percent who have 100% of the wealth!” Bernie Sanders spat into the microphone. Most of the crowd burst into applause, clapping until Bernie waved at them to stop.
“Okay, Senator Sanders, that was an excellent response to the War on ISIS and regime change in unstable developing regions. Would Secretary Clinton like to respond?” Lester Holt said.
“aaayyyyyyyyyyyyy lmao how high do you even have to BE to SAY something like that imma just whip my nae nae back and forth at how salty this guy is. Like, #YOLO but that doesn’t mean ur going to get elected once lol boom roasted.”
“Secretary Clinton, I’m not sure what you’re saying right now.” Lester shifted around uncomfortably, glancing over at his producer,
“lol he policies too liberal for he gotdamn party real democrat hours who up smash dat mafuccin vote button???????????? @BernieSanders all your votes are belong to us like imma just lowkey win dis election fam ?????? one does not simply elect some old white dude to be president like do you even lift bro please tell me more about how far left you are XD”
“Lester, I would like to respond to Secretary Clin-”
Hillary ran over to Bernie’s podium and snatched away his microphone. “Yo holdup, imma let you finish, but Hillary Clinton is the best presidential candidate of all time. Bernie… Y U NO GONNA GET ELECTED??????????? Good guy Hillary has Democratic nomination… goes on to win the election… I’m climbin in yo windows, snatchin yo voters up… aint nobody got time for how the number of people who are going to be voting for Hillary is TOO DAMN HIGH!”
Everyone, from the ages of 18-25, was literally rolling on the floor laughing their asses off. So young. Much voters. Very laughter. Wow. Normalfags and 4channers, MRAs and SJWs, memers ironic and sincere united, hand and hand. Hillary had struck a cord. She was one with the memes. She curled her hand into a fist and held it in front of her determined face.
“Well, that escalated quickly!”
One thought on “[Election ‘016 048] Hillary Clinton: Rise of the Memer Part I: In Which the Memer Rises”
This was beautiful