[Election ‘016 039] Chafee-ing

[Election ‘016 039] Chafee-ing




“Honey, can you go check the mail?” Lincoln Chafee asked his wife from the living room. She didn’t answer; she must have gone outside to do some gardening. “Ah, it’s okay. I’ll go do it,” he said.

It was a long trek from the house, and down the driveway, all the way to the mailbox, but Linc was ready to do it!

“Linc is ready to do it, eh…” he said to himself. “That’d be a good slogan…”

He finally made it to his mailbox and opened it. There were a few bills, a letter from his grandkids, and… what was that?

“Your GOLDEN opportunity… Act now… On sale at your local grocery store…Oh my.” This small flier, with an image of C-3PO and a large spaceship behind him, showed several boxes of different brands of cereal, all with various characters on them. But the main attraction of this cereal flier was the proclamation: One of these boxes had a golden ticket that would let the discoverer go to the premiere of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens as the VIP guest!

Lincoln knew exactly what he had to do now.

He jumped on his horse Buttercup and galloped off to town as fast as he could.


“Stephanie, I’m home! Can you help me with the groceries?”

Lincoln’s wife walked to the door to help him in. “I thought you were just going out to check the–” She stopped as she saw the red wagon he was pulling in, and the dozens of cereal boxes that sat on top of it. “What the hell?”

Lincoln tried to explain. “I saw there was a contest and whoever gets the golden ticket gets to be the VIP at the new Star Wars movie! So I…”

“So you bought every single box of cereal in the entire city?”

“Yes, ma’am. Yes I did. Can you help me carry in the rest?”


Six hundred and fifty-two boxes later…

“I found it!”

Stephanie collapsed onto the couch and sighed heavily. “Finally.”

Lincoln literally jumped for joy. This was the happiest day of his entire life. Now he could be the most important person in the whole world for an entire day and probably get the word out for his campaign!

At that exact moment, he packed his bags and entered the online code to redeem his golden ticket and hopefully get a personalized video message from none other than Mark Hamill himself.


On the plane ride over, Lincoln couldn’t sleep. He was just too excited to do anything but jump up and down, waiting for the plane to touch down so he could meet with the cast and crew of the new Star Wars!

Stephanie had fallen asleep long ago and was turned on her side, towards the window, so Lincoln knew not to dare wake her. But he needed someone to talk to really badly or else he might explode. So he leaned over the back of his seat and saw a baby in the row behind him. “Hey, baby,” he said.

The baby did not respond.

“Did you know I’m going to be a VIP at the Star Wars premiere? How cool is that?”

The baby still did not respond, and it too fell asleep in short time.


Lincoln pulled up to Skywalker Ranch in his rented Cadillac and got out. Nobody was there to greet him except for Dennis Muren, who was busy writing a poem on a notepad at the moment.

“Hi!” Lincoln greeted, not knowing who this man was.

“Hey. You’re here for… Star Wars or whatever, right?”


“Well uh, come on I guess,” he said. Then he saw Lincoln’s wife and nodded to her. “Lovely woman you got there.”

“More like lovely man I have here,” Stephanie said. Dennis Muren shrugged.


“Here,” Dennis Muren said. “Meet the cast of Star Wars Episode VII, I guess.” He motioned over, and out stepped Denis Lawson, who played Wedge Antilles in some of the old movies. He was not actually a member of the cast of Star Wars Episode VII.

“Hi!!!” exclaimed Lincoln. He was so excited to see him that he ran up and started to hug him, but Denis Lawson backed up a little and raised his hands. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah you are,” he said. “I hope you are, at least.”

“Am I gonna meet JJ Abrams?” Lincoln asked.

“Nope,” Dennis and Denis said in unison.

“Oh.” Linc started nervously adjusting his tie. “So… uhh… What are we going to do?”

“I’m going to get another Pabst Blue Ribbon, that’s what I’m going to do,” Denis said, looking directly into the camera.

“I guess I could use a good drink too,” Linc said. “Though I’m a teetotaler! So it’ll have to be non-alcoholic.” He giggled. Dennis and Denis eyed each other.


“When am I gonna meet Mark and Harry and Carrie?” Linc asked, sitting on a Slave I-shaped rocking chair as he, Dennis, and Denis watched the Giants-Dolphins game on a plasma-screen TV. Linc heard that this was one of the first plasma-screen TVs ever made, and George Lucas himself bought it in 1995! Linc could see the outline of Luke Skywalker battling Darth burnt into the display.

“They’ll probably get here sometime, I don’t know,” Denis said. “I already saw the movie last week. It could have been better. I’m so glad I declined that part.”

“Aww, but it would have been so fun!” Linc said with extreme enthusiasm. “I would have killed to be in Star Wars! Hmm… Do you think Rian Johnson would let me cameo in the next one?”

“No,” said Dennis and Denis in unison.

“Well, maybe once I become President he will let me be in it…” Linc paused suddenly. “Wait, what happened to my wife?”

“She met up with Kathleen Kennedy,” Dennis said. “They went out for drinks or something.”

“Ah that’s okay! I guess she was being courteous, so it could just be fun time with us dudes in the Man Cave!” He giggled again.

Dennis Muren stood up and left the room, grumbling about something.


Linc was in a different limo than all the other stars of The Force Awakens, but that was okay. He got to sit with screenwriter Michael Arndt, Karen Asano-Myers, who was Harrison Ford’s hair stylist, and the up and coming new actor Pip Andersen! It was so exciting!

Everyone sat in the limo, on their phones and other devices. Pip was playing New Super Mario Bros. 2 on his Nintendo 3DS, which made Linc very curious. He scooted up really close to him and tried looking at his screen. He heard that Mario could turn golden and collect a bunch of coins! It looked like it was really cool.

“Hey, get off me, Gramps,” Pip said, shoving him away. “You’re going to make me lose..” His character accidentally collided with a Piranha Plant and died. “Thanks a lot…” Pip looked at Linc and raised an eyebrow. “Who… Who are you, anyway?”

Linc put his hand on his chest and smiled. “Why, I’m Democratic Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee, former Independent Governor of Rhode Island, and former Republican Senator from Rhode Island! My dad is a horse named Buttercup.”

Pip Andersen returned to his game.


Linc stepped down the red carpet, striding with all the energy he had in him, which, of course, was a lot. While most of the eyes were on Daisy Ridley, Max von Sydow, or that everlasting hunk of a man Oscar Isaac (special shout-out to my personal friend and former lover Oscar Isaac), there were certainly people looking at Mr. Chafee and seeing how good he looked in his suit.

In fact, several reporters rushed up to him, and many people took his pictures. Many bright flashes went off, blinding Linc for a second. They held up a bunch of microphones to him. “How are you enjoying the evening, sir?” one of them asked. “Who were you in the movie? Did you play one of the Ewoks?”

“I’m doing great!” Linc exclaimed. “I’m about as cuddly as an Ewok, but no, I’m only here as a VIP guest. However I just wanted to say something very important..” He cleared his throat. “I think that America is doing very well, but it’s not doing as good as it should. In this New American Century, we should have a strong economy, a powerful military, and we should help the world be as good as it can be. Once we end our wars in the Middle East, adopt the metric system, and achieve Peace through Prosperity, we will be able to make sure that this century truly is America’s best yet! As President of the United States of America, I’ll make sure that we achieve all of these things. Thank you so much!”

The reporters left him, wordlessly, and went to go talk to BB-8, who was entering the red carpet behind him. Linc shrugged and went into the theater to watch the movie. In the end, he really enjoyed The Force Awakens; it was his fourth favorite Star Wars movie, after Episodes I, IV, and VI.

As a result of his campaign speech, his poll numbers increased tenfold, and he won the Iowa Caucus with 84% of the vote.

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