GOP Debate: Energy
The debate stage was set. Lindsey “Linds” Graham in the center, with John Kosoick on his left, and the Alternate Reality Jim Gilmore (ARJG) on his right. The others on the left included Jeb!, The Donald, and Scott Walker. Those on the right side were Ted Cruz, Science Man (formerly known as Ben Carson), and George Pataki.
Off to the side, those that had participated in the undercard debate, were Rick Santorum, Robert Jindal, Carly Fiorina, Our Universe’s Jim Gilmore (OUJG) and Marco Rubio. They got to sit and watch as the big boys were asked the real-candidate questions. Rand Paul had been missing for two weeks, and a massive search party still had not brought any results, so he was not present at the debate.
“Okay, candidates,” the moderator said. “You know the rules. When addressed, you have exactly twenty-five seconds to answer the question. Then if you bring someone up, they get two minutes to rebut your claim.”
“Is everyone ready…” the other guy next to the moderator, who may have also been a moderator, not sure, began. “TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!”
Almost immediately, the moderator turned to The Donald and asked the first question. “Are you a cartoon character?”
“Ah… “ The Donald began. “I’m not at liberty to discuss my level of fictitious identity. No. I’ll have to pass.”
“You’ll have to pass? What?” Interrupted John Kosok. “Listen folks, you can’t have a man as President who won’t even defend our right to identify as fictional beings. He has no right to be on this stage.”
“Ah, not like you have a chance at winning anything in your life,” The Donald rebuked.
John Kicihsk shrugged towards the audience and smiled. “Out in Ohio, we have a saying. It’s called, go fuck yourself.” The audience cheered wildly.
“Now, y’all, calm down,” Linds said. “It’s all hunky-dory when you start attacking each other on your own time, but tonight’s the time for the American people. And the American people want to know about ISIL!” The audience cheered wildly.
“The American people don’t want another war, I don’t think,” Science Man said, oozing with a strange calmness that did not match his rhetoric. The audience wasn’t sure whether to cheer or not, so they did anyway.
“War is important!” Linds said. “War is valid, and it is beautiful!” Someone in the audience shot a machine gun into the air, and Linds fist pumped.
The moderators realized that they would never again have time to speak and ask anymore questions, so they packed up and went home.
“The only war we need in America is the war against non-patriotism!” Ted Cruz yelled, getting ready to go into one of those rants about how everyone hates him and he’s a lone wolf in the middle of a pack of dogs or some meaningless shit like that.
But before he could continue, John Kochis began his spiel. “America is great. Ohio is way better, but America is a close second. And I’m gonna be President of America, if not the President of the United States of Ohio!” The members of the audience from Ohio broke into a standing ovation.
Off to the side, Jeb! and Pataki were already carrying on their own side argument.
“Life is not pointless,” Jeb! said. “There are a great many things to live for and accomplish, and they will affect many other people.
“But does affecting people really do anything? You will still inevitably perish in the end, and your body will turn to a bundle of dissolved atoms. What does it really matter that some people are made happier, when they do not make me happier?” George Pataki sipped on his solid-red cup of Starbucks coffee.
“That’s an absurd notion, George,” Jeb! said. “Our goal as politicians is to make the common people happier than they currently are. Or that’s what it should be!” The audience applauded politely at this nice remark.
“Or it’s to get us into a position where we can make the most of our own miserable lives,” Pataki said with a defeatist smirk. “And hopefully make it slightly less unbearable before we disappear from existence.”
Alternate Reality Jim Gilmore, who had been silent up until now, suddenly straightened his back and pointed at Pataki. “Your existence is a futile one to begin with! Have you no ambition, no love of pursuit? You are running for President, and yet you believe yourself to be some sort of pathetic god? Live like you are a candidate, not a slob on the streets!” Gilmore straightened his tie, and in doing so, cut off power to New York City for six minutes. “I can’t believe that I am even–”
“Hey! Guys!” Scott Walker interrupted. “Am I ever going to get a time to–”
“Do not interrupt me.” Gilmore raised his hand, and in a flash, Walker disappeared. The audience went wild.
Linds turned to John Kucusich and whispered, “Remind me never to do th–”
“I won’t,” John Kysych answered. Linds quickly realized how to get his opponent out of the race for good, and began a nefarious scheme.
“So, everyone,” Linds began. “I heard a nasty rumor that Gilmore over there said that John Kuseck is just a Wall Street goon. Care to comment, Mr. Gilmore?”
“I’m not taking that bait,” Gilmore said.
“Me neither,” John Kaiscth said.
“Darn.” Linds shrugged and gave a goofy grin.
The debate went on for four more hours.