Once Upon a Time in Madoka
Madoka Kaname stood undaunted against the vast empty stretches of desert before her. She tipped her sombrero and chuckled. “Looks like I’m in a bit of a pickle here, aren’t I?” No-one was around to hear her, but she pretended she wasn’t alone anyway. “Guess I’ll have to get back home on my own, then!”
As Sheriff of Mexico, Madoka had been well acquainted with the desert. It was something of a friend that she met often, had tea with, and talked to about her problems. It wasn’t coarse and irritating and it didn’t get everywhere like SOME people would say. The only bad thing about sand was…. that there was so much of it. And it went on for miles (kilometers, actually, but since the author was American it became miles). And it made it hard to figure out where you where. Nearly impossible in fact. Meaning, Madoka had no idea where she was. She also didn’t know what day it was, either. She really hoped she had only been knocked out for a couple minutes and not several days…
She decided to walk east. She may or may not have been far in the west from her home, but she decided that would be the best bet, anyway. If she was wrong, she’d just end up seeing the Caribbean Sea eventually, which wasn’t the worst thing in the world The worst thing in the world would be dying out here in the desert. Well, no, the worst thing in the world would be turning into a witch in the middle of the desert.
Though… Could magical girls even still turn into witches? It had been over five years since the events of “My Big Fat Madoka Wedding”, wherein Homura turned out to be a transformation of Kyubey tasked with manipulating everyone to turn into witches themselves, but ever since Madoka and Kyoko defeated all the Kyubeys at the wedding, there hadn’t been a single witch to fight. Maybe no more Kyubey also meant that everyone’s soul gems were forever unbound to the laws of conservation of energy?
But enough of this talk that was actually exposition in disguise. Madoka only wanted to think about the future. A future that included catching that dastardly villain El Guante. It was his fault she was stranded out in the middle of somewhere, and it was now her ultimate goal to catch and imprison him– for great justice! Madoka almost actually captured him, you know. But when she snuck aboard his private jet and attacked him, she kind of… accidentally… fell out. Though she was fairly certain he did too; he was probably somewhere in the general vicinity and was looking for a place to hide out as well. Wait– crap. She was doing exposition again. “Sorry, reader!”
Fairly soon, she stumbled upon a small town. Madoka was relieved at first to see that she was in a place where she could sit and rest for a little while, but that relief quickly turned to shock when she realized– this was the town where she met Sheriff Flint, all those (five) years ago, and became Sheriff of Mexico once he was killed! Luckily, she knew how to get home from here. Unluckily, it was quite a while away.
“Wow, this place brings back memories,” she said, once again to herself.
“Yeah, it sure does,” a deep voice answered.
“Aaah!” Madoka shrieked as she turned around to see none other than– Sheriff Flint! Except he was really pale and translucent. “Oh, hey Former Sheriff Flint. You’re a ghost, right?”
“Yeah. Been haunting this town for the past few years. It’s been fun, but a little quiet.”
“Mexico is a big place, but it’s pretty quiet when you get outside of the cities.”
“I thought you were a magical girl from Japan,” Former Sheriff Flint said. “How come you’re still here?
“Well, through a series of mishaps and hijinks, I ended up marrying Kyoko Sakura, that girl who owns the fort a few miles north. I’ve been here ever since; it’s a busy and dangerous job, being Sheriff of Mexico, you know!”
“I do know,” he said. “I got killed doing my job.”
“Yeah. That was really sad.”
“Meh. What brings you out here, anyway?”
“I got… lost trying to catch El Guante. He’s a villainous character.”
“Ah, I remember him. The one who dresses up like Santa Anna?”
“Yes.” Madoka rolled her eyes at the absolute flamboyance of these Mexican supervillains she always had to face. Last month, she had to face off against the leader of an Otherkin Independence Coalition, and you would be absolutely right if the first picture in your head was of a guy in a giant Speedy Gonzales fursuit. It’s almost as if the Mexico she lived in wasn’t really Mexico, but instead simply a caricature of Mexico made by an author who has extremely limited knowledge of Mexico and still does not know why all her stories are set in the nation.
“Hmmm…” Flint rubbed his ghostly chin. “I thought I had defeated him for good long before you showed up. I even severed his hands so he could no longer swordfight, nor could he wear ten prototyping rings and go around to each Sburb session and kill all the players.”
Ignoring what she assumed was a Homestuck reference, but was actually a reference to something different, Madoka looked at him and shook her head slowly. “He got better. He doesn’t have gloves anymore, which completely invalidates his name, but…”
“He has machine guns attached to his forearms.”
“I’m not joking.”
Former Sheriff Flint floated around a bit. “Do you need my help to catch him?”
“Well, If I can find him I think I can take him myself….”
“…But finding him is the hard part.”
Madoka shrugged. “I guess. I know he’s in the general vicinity, since we both fell out of an airplane at the same time; it’s just that the general vicinity is a giant desert.” Madoka noticed people in the town giving her and Former Sheriff Flint strange looks. She realized that speaking to a ghost in the town square in the middle of the day was probably going to lead to unwanted attention, so she started walking back out to the desert. “Uh… Come on with me if you want to help.”
“It’ll be more fun than scaring the same thirty people every night,” he said.
And so they went.
Crispina sighed. Her orders were simple: Find Sheriff Kaname, and “take care of her”. It sounded easy, but that was under the assumption that Kaname would be easy to find. The desert was big, and Crispina was not. Still, she had thought that it wouldn’t be the biggest challenge in the world… which it was turning out to be.
The sheriff had snuck aboard a plane in Mexico City, last Crispina knew, but when the plane landed in Mexicali (which she had to fly all the way to so she could beat her there)… she was nowhere to be found (which was really cool after all that flying, not really at all); she had apparently fallen off. Now she was back where she started, looking around the desert surrounding where the pilot believed she fell off.
But if Crispina was anything (besides short), it was a good hunter. And her prey would be found…
She entered a small town with almost no remarkable features. One older woman, standing by a statue of what Crispina assumed was a former sheriff of the town, hailed her over.
“My my, girl,” the old woman said in a thick accent. “I think you’re looking for someone, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am,” she replied. “Have you happened to see anyone recently with–”
“Pink hair? Followed by a ghost?” The old woman pointed west. “They went that way.”
“A ghost… Uh, thank you very much.” Crispina started heading in the direction the woman pointed (west, if you don’t remember somehow).
“Happy hunting!” the old woman shouted once Crispina was barely within earshot. She waved and continued on her way.
Her way towards Sheriff Kaname…
Former Sheriff Flint and Current Sheriff Madoka traversed the unforgiving terrain that was the deserts of Mexico. It was quiet, and Madoka quickly realized that in the two times she had spoken to Former Sheriff Flint before and after he died, she knew next to nothing about him. So they kind of just awkwardly walked together.
“So, uhh…” Madoka said, trying to start a conversation. “Do you have any family. Er, did you?”
Flint stopped in his tracks– er, his… path of floating in the air. “Yes. Yes I did,” he said. He turned his head and met Madoka’s eyes. He was crying.
“I had a beautiful wife, and two twin boys, and they just…” He couldn’t continue for his tears were too much.
“It’s okay!” Madoka yelled as she tried to lay a hand on his shoulder and accidentally phased through him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring anything up that you didn’t want to talk about.” Madoka tried to hold back the tears. Hahahaha just kidding, Madoka was bawling like usual.
“No no,” he said. “This is important backstory… It helps me be more sympathetic so my death is more emotional…”
“But you died five years ago…”
“I know, I’m just saying… it would have been better if this came up in ‘Madoka in Mexico’…” Sorry, I didn’t realize I was making a stupid series of a hundred fan fictions out of one silly story. “It’s okay.” Thanks.
Up ahead was another town. “Look,” Former Sheriff Flint said. “Is that where you are supposed to be headed?”
“Oh geez…” Madoka facepalmed in such a way that, if it were represented graphically, it would become a reaction image used by hundreds on various message boards and comment sections.
“What is it?”
“I just realized, we’re going in completely the wrong direction! We’re supposed to be going north, but we just went west for an hour! I feel really dumb.”
“Don’t worry,” Former Sheriff Flint said. “We all make mistakes sometimes. It doesn’t matter much to me, it cost me almost no energy to float next to you for a while.”
“I wish I could say the same… I’m parched!” Madoka fanned herself as if she were an aristocratic old lady. “I guess we could stop by that town for a bit to pick up a drink…”
And so they went.
But wait… once they got to the town, they couldn’t find anyone around. Not a single person. Not even a bartender. “But bartenders are awesome…” Madoka said. Little did she realize that a bartender, introduced in the forthcoming sequel-spinoff to “Once Upon a Time in Madoka,” would become one of her greatest enemies, and her greatest allies… (Will become, that is)
Madoka couldn’t find any water or soda pop in the town’s bar (in addition to the already-missing bartender), so she grabbed some alcohol and poured herself a shot.
“I don’t know what legal age for drinking is in Mexico,” Madoka said. “But I’m too thirsty to care!” She downed the shot like a pro.
As she downed shot after shot, she began to feel like sheriff of the whole world, not just of Mexico. She began getting really grand ambitions about protecting the entire world, being a savior of the waking world AND the dreaming dead. This was not caused by the alcohol. Suddenly, Former Sheriff Flint phased through the wall in a hurry.“Miss Sheriff,” he said. “You need to get out of here, now.”
“Oh yeah? Why?” Madoka felt stronger and more confident than ever. This was caused by the alcohol. “What is it, a bunch of Kyubeys out of nowhere?”
“No, it’s El Guante!” And as Former Sheriff Flint said this, a hailfire of gun bullet shots pierced through the windows and wooden exterior of the bar. They phased through Madoka’s ghosty pal, but Madoka had to duck to avo– OW! Madoka was shot in the knee! She fell to the ground and writhed in pain. She tried to put the pain out by stopping, dropping, and rolling, but, much to her dismay, that only worked with fire, not gun wounds.
El Guante stepped up to the saloon doors of the bar, and kicked them open. They swung back and hit him. He kicked them again and ran through the entrance before the doors could close on him. “Hahahaha!” El Guante laughed. (AUTHOR’S NOTE: Why would you specify a character laughing when the character is laughing in the dialogue? Fix this in proofreading.) “Beware, Madoka Kaname! For the pain you feel in the knee is only the beginning!” He held up his machine gun hands and shot them into the air, re-enacting that one cool scene from Point Break except he was in a bar and dressed up like Mexican dictator Santa Anna and his hands were the guns. Wow this guy was nuts.
“You’ll face justice, El Guante!” Madoka exclaimed, slamming her fist on the wooden floor. Clenching her fist and staring at the ground in anger, she made her passionate speech: “I will not rest until you are caught and until you pay for each and every one of your crimes! For I am Sheriff of Mexico, and I stand by my word!” Madoka looked up and he was already gone. “Darn it! I never get any cool moments…”
Madoka stood up, though her right leg was in considerable pain for obvious reasons. “Where did he go?”
“There’s only one place he could have gone,” Former Sheriff Flint said. “Your house.”
Crispina quickly realized that Sheriff Kaname was not going in the intended direction. There was nothing west, past an old abandoned outpost town, for a day’s walk, maybe further, except for shrubs and sand, and probably the Chupacabra.
Just in case, she checked the town, and… . the town’s bar was covered in bullet holes. She wondered what the heck could have gone down here, but simply assumed that it was from shenanigans, and went on with her day.
The important discovery she made was that there were droplets of blood in the bar… and they made a trail out of the bar and back into the desert. Madoka must have been wounded.
Crispina followed the trail, certain that she would find her target at the end of it…
The long trek to Madoka’s house/fort was gruesome. It was hot, humid, and she had a bullet lodged in her knee, bleeding a bit every step of the way. Not fun times at all, but you know what? It was worth it, as long as she could catch that dastardly El Guante.
And besides, she had Former Sheriff Flint for small talk.
(Madoka sniffled a little as she thought this, because Former Sheriff Flint was not the most fun person to converse with, honestly. He was kind of boring.)
“So, umm… “ Madoka tried to think of an easy conversation topic. “Have you seen any movies lately?”
“No, I’ve been dead.”
“Oh. Uhh… What’s the last movie you saw, then?”
“Battleship. It was really bad.”
“Oh. Uhh… Have you ever heard of the musician Michael Guy Bowman? He’s really good.”
“Of course. Everyone’s heard of Michael Guy Bowman. I couldn’t think of anyone I’d like to hear more, except that I haven’t heard any music in five years because I’ve been dead.” (The Madoka Series is set in an alternate universe where Michael Guy Bowman is really popular… sadly this does not reflect reality :’( )
“Oh.” Madoka was quickly running out of conversation topics. She felt a sharp pain run up her leg and winced. “What’s the most pain you’ve ever been in?”
“When I died.”
She shouldn’t have expected differently. “Uh, besides that?”
“When my family–”
“NO! I mean, uh, physical pain. Like, have you ever crashed a bike or something? Yeah, I’ve done that before.”
“I never had a bike.”
Madoka frowned a very big frown.
“You know,” Flint began. “You mentioned you married that Kyouko Sakura girl. How is that?”
“It’s fun. Being married is cool and stuff. She’s really funny and beautiful and makes weird pop culture references sometimes. And she’s a good cook! I love her a lot.”
“Sounds like a good marriage to me. Though, I prefer traditional marriage myself…”
Madoka stopped dead in her tracks. “What?”
Former Sheriff Flint raised his hands in the air. “It was a joke! Can’t ghosts make jokes?”
Madoka frowned further. “No! That’s not a funny joke, anyway…”
“I’m sorry… Well, if it’s any consolation, at least that joke will seem very outdated to our readers in ten years.”
“Like we’ll have any readers in ten years.”
The fort was now within their line of sight. It was still far away, but they could finally make it… Madoka was going to catch El Guante once and for all!
Crispina made it to the destination just before Madoka showed up. She couldn’t do her job of “taking care of her” during the day, but she could finally do it now, as best as she could.
All she had to do was wait…
Madoka gripped the doorhandle to her house/fort. It had taken all day, but she was finally here. Ready to apprehend the most evil villain of Mexico, and to save her wife from probable certain destruction, except she was probably just bored watching TV and didn’t notice him barging in there.
She realized that Former Sheriff Flint was gone. That was odd… Well, she guessed he had to go back home.
She opened the door and walked inside. “Hi honey, I’m–”
Wow!!! As soon as Madoka walked into her house, she was greeted with a gigantic cast of characters from the rest of the comic. Sayaka and her girlfriend Asuka, Kyoko, Former Sheriff Flint, El Guante for some reason, and– hey, it was Crispina, the new recruit!
“Wow guys, this is so cool! Thanks!” Madoka had forgotten that today was October 3rd, her birthday! She was finally twenty, which was kind of crazy thinking about the fact she had been married over five years already, so she stopped thinking about it.
“I have to say, Kaname,” Crispina said in a grumpy tone. “You proved really hard to ‘take care of.’ I wasn’t supposed to let you go home all day, but it turns out you were never in any danger of getting home early after all.”
“Yeah…” El Guante said. “Eventually I had to attack you to convince you to come home at all. Sorry about the knee, by the way.”
“No biggie… (please pay my medical bills.)”
Kyoko stepped up to Madoka and gave her a big smooch. “How’s my birthday girl?”
“Uhh… a year older, I guess.”
“Good,” she said with a smile. Now let’s eat some cake and drink some punch. I made sure Sayaka didn’t spike it this time.”
Former Sheriff Flint tipped his hat.Madoka tipped her sombrero in return, and then the ghostly man phased through the wall, disappearing to who knows where.
“Okay,” Madoka said. “Let’s party!”