[Election ‘016 022] Kasich and Tired of Coming Up with Stupid Puns

[Election ‘016 022] Kasich and Tired of Coming Up with Stupid Puns


John Kasich dove behind a large chunk of sandstone, narrowly avoiding the gaze of the spotlight that surveyed the periphery of the base. He knew that inside this facility, past the barbed wire fences and layers of concrete, the Iranians were building something unspeakable, and if the government wasn’t going to do anything about it then he was. The spotlight made a second pass and he was off, a black blur scurrying toward the length of chainlink right below the guard tower. Kasich rustled through his utility belt for the correct tool. Garrote? No. Knockout drops? No. EMP grenade? No. Swiss Army knife? Bingo. This was the most important tool in one’s survival belt and John knew that it would come in handy at some point. Koosook flipped Kasich out the wire cutter tool and got to work on the fence. He was in.

The compound consisted of a couple of barracks, some administrative buildings, and in the center an impractically large hangar big enough to fit an Airbus sandwiched between two 747s. If these bastards were building any WMDs, then that is where they would be keeping them. Kasich made his way toward the hangar, hugging the walls of the nearby barracks, keeping out of the crisscrossing paths of the base security. The main entrance of the hangar was welded shut and manned by dozens of machine-gun toting soldiers. Kasich sure as hell wasn’t going to try and get in that way.

He rolled across the road, under a moving jeep, and to the wall of the hangar in a manner that can only be described as very sneaky. Kasich took out a seemingly inconspicuous tube of Crest, but instead of being filled with a fluoride enhanced mint flavored paste it was filled with thermite. He spread a thin line of the gel in a tall oval onto the corrugated metal wall and lit it. Kasich turned away and, after a flash of blinding light, a large hole appeared. That was sure to attract some unwanted attention, so he slid inside before a curious soldier could investigate and riddle him with holes.

What Kasich found inside knocked his socks off.

Kasich looked on in astonishment. “Obama, what have you done?!”

The hangar didn’t house an experimental fighter jet, drone, or even a nuclear weapon. On each end of the hangar was a 100 foot robot, one white and one black. The cockpit in the chest of the white robot opened to reveal the barely visible, but noticeably boring, white, and male pilot.

“Who do we have here? You don’t seem like much of a spy,” the man’s voice echoed throughout the room. “Wait, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before. You’re probably some small time politician, one of those guys who tries desperately to be noticed but gets completely ignored for the Bushes and Clintons of the world. Does that sound right?”

“My name is John Kasich, and the only thing that I am to you is the guy who is going to stop you from doing a bunch of bad stuff,” John walked to the middle of the hangar and faced the white mech. “I know who you are. You’re the bastard that gave the Iranians this technology with your shifty dealings; John Kerry.”

“Oh, they already had this technology. There was nothing shifty about my dealings, the Iranians didn’t need nukes, they actually did need nuclear power… to power these mobile suits. America gets this advanced weaponry and we give a little uranium to these guys, if anything this is a win for the United States!”

“This is the largest state sponsor of terrorism I the world, and now they’ll do all the terrorizing themselves! They’ll wipe Israel off the map and then America will be next!”

“Please, Kasich, you think that I haven’t thought this through? Iran gets in a bloody war with Israel, destroys them, and then we swoop in with our new robot army to get rid of their weakened military. We take out our enemy, get some cool robots, and then we don’t have to bother protecting those weaklings anymore. It’s a win-win, I’m doing this for America!”

“Now, when you die and get to the meeting with St. Peter, he’s probably not going to ask you much about what you did about creating a cool army of mechs, but he is going to ask you what you did for Israel.,” Kasich stared across the room, his gaze meeting with Kerry’s beady little eyes. “You better have a good answer.”

“Fine, be that way,” the cockpit of Kerry’s mecha locked into place. The nuclear reactor whirred to life as his now heavily distorted blared from the head of the suit. “And I was trying to be so reasonable.”

The colossus lurched forward, its right foot gouging out a crater in the concrete floor. Kerry put the machine through its paces, wriggling its fingers and slopping a few punches through the air before fixing on his prey. Kasich had to act fast, so he took the EMP from his belt and lobbed it at the head of Kerry’s suit, a net of crackling sparks washing over it. The robot swatted blindly for a moment before the hydraulics in its chest wheezed, opening Kerry’s cockpit.

“Is that all you’ve got? Did you seriously think that shorting out my sensors would take this bad boy down?” Kerry sneered. He surveyed the hangar for a sign of Kasich. “Where the hell did you run off to?”

“I didn’t run, Kerry,” a voice coming from the black mech said. “I never back down from a fight, no matter how low of a chance I have to win.”

“I like your gumption,” Kerry said as he raised his robo-fists, “but gumption won’t save you now.”

“I think you underestimate just how much gumption I have, Kerry,” Kasich tried to put up his dukes, but for some reason his right duke flopped lazily to the ground.

“Whelp, that’s Iranian engineering for ya,” Kerry said, lunging forward with a right hook. Kasich parried with his functioning arm but was knocked aside, crashing through the wall of the hangar. “Don’t worry, Kouskous or whoever you are, I’d kick your ass even if your suit was in working order. You just can’t play with the big boys.”

Kerry took another punch, this time toward Kasich’s bad side. The hit connected with his side, destablizing him and sending him flying toward one of the barracks. Hundreds of startled soldier scuttled out of the slender tube of sheet metal as the feet of Kasich’s mech crushed it like a coke can. Kerry swung at Kasich with his right hand and as Kasich put his arm up in retaliation, Kerry grabbed it with his left. He tightened his grip as armor plating in his hand groaned shrieked under the pressure. He latched on to the wrist with his other hand and in one sudden motion broke the limb off at the joint, tossing it to the ground. Kasich backed away.

“You’ve already lost, just give up already,” Kerry stepped toward the defenseless Kasich. Kasich backed up further, almost tripping over the layers of barbed wire and chainlink that crisscrossed around the base’s perimeter. “ Let me make a deal with you. Hop out of that there robot and I’ll give you a little headstart before I squish you.”

“You certainly aren’t much of a negotiator,” Kasich said. He took two steps toward Kerry, before planting his right foot behind him. “This time I’m making the terms.”

Kasich pulled the mech’s torso clockwise before swinging back around. The limp arm was lifted up by the circular motion, gained momentum, and smacked the unsuspecting Kerry in the side of the head, knocking his mech to the ground. Before Kerry realized what happened, Kasich’s foot crashed down on the downed mech with a meteoric force, caving in its chest.

“Now, time to shut these guys down for good,” Kasich said, marching through the sea of dunes toward the city of Tehran.

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