INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN – DAY
A man, average build, in a plaid jacket and balaclava sits on a foldout chair in middle of the room. Several locks of curly brown hair peek out from the headwear, accompanied by a bushy black mustache of questionable authenticity. He is BARTY RANDERSON. A boom box sits on the table next to him. He stares blankly at the camera for a moment before pressing the play button on the boom box. The Gremlins Theme plays.
BARTY
Hiiiiiiiiii. My name is Barty Randerson, friendly protector of
conservative constitutional values in that little ol’ neighborhood
you’ve got there.
BARTY (cont’d)
Did you know that the yeti is a libertarian, just like you and me?
He believes in freedom of speech, capitalism, and that the government
can take his guns from his cold, dead hands.
BARTY (cont’d)
I’m gonna be going on what y’all might call an adventure, but I’ve
taken up a proclivity in callin’ it one of my justice excursions. There’s
been whispers and such from some of my most trusted compatriots
about some kind of mythical creature living in the wilderness of the
great state of Vermont and I would be remist if I didn’t go check that
out.
Barty (cont’d)
Come along if you’d like!
BARTY reaches over and presses the stop button on the boom box. He stares at the camera for a few seconds too long.
CUT TO:
EXT. WILDERNESS – DAY
BARTY walks between a couple of trees about 5 feet apart, but somehow manages to get stuck in one of them. He wiggles himself free but tumbles to the ground. He lays there for a moment before inspecting a pile of leaves next to him. He grabs a handful and stuffs them in his mouth.
BARTY
(Mouth full of leaves)
Hey, audience. I didn’t see you over there. I was just expecting
these leaves for any signs of the creature.
BARTY chews on the leaves for a few second.
BARTY (cont’d)
Nope. Just tastes like a bunch of leaves.
BARTY spits the leaves out. He sniffs the air for a second before sprinting off, away from the camera. He turns around an looks at the camera.
BARTY (cont’d)
Audience, you come thisa way. I think I smell something fishy
around these parts.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREAM – DAY
BARTY is trying to hop across a trail of rocks that lead through the rushing water. He is balancing precariously and almost falls in.
BARTY
Well, you’ve just gotta look before you least, as my dad always
used to say. Here’s a survival tip I learned from him. If you ever fall
into a river, make sure that you-
BARTY (cont’d)
Waaaaaaaaaaah!
BARTY falls into the water. The camera pans and follows him as he flails around, gasping for air. Cut to a POV shot of BARTY as he sinks into the abyss.
FADE TO BLACK:
INT. SHAPELESS VOID – TIME IS AN ILLUSION
A solitary blip of light flashes in the darkness, sending ripples of consciousness through the aether. It blinks again and is quickly accompanied by another blip. Soon the void in filled with glimmers of light.
DISEMBODIED VOICE (disembodied voiceover)
Barty. Barty. Your mind is malleable, shaped by the shallow
whims of the fates. But I am greater than such petty fabrications.
I will guide you to the sacred light of Valhalla. Then, and only
then, can you be free.
VOICE (cont’d)
There are beings who exist who may oppose this ascension,
but you will not fall for their tricks. They are the enemy and
you alone will be the one who will pull them from the darkness
and expose their machinations to the world.
VOICE (cont’d)
You, Barty Randerson, will deliver the people. Go forth
and slay the beast, the beast that challenges your sovereignty
BARTY (V.O.)
Yes. I understand.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIVERBANK – NIGHT
BARTY coughs up water. He lays on the dirt and silt of the riverbed, covered in water and mud. There is a large gash on his forehead, but he doesn’t notice. He turns on is side and wheezes some more, ejecting the rest of the water from his lungs.
BARTY
(Coughing)
Hiiiiiiiighackghuhghgh
BARTY leans over and tries to catch his breath.
BARTY (cont’d)
(Winded)
My….. my name is Barty Randerson
BARTY falls on the ground, face first.
CUT TO:
EXT LARGE HOUSE – NIGHT
BARTY creeps up to the house, walking backwards with his face to the camera. It is a sizable homestead with 8 or so bedrooms. It sits in the middle of a clearing in the wilderness, surrounded by acres of treeless land and perfectly manicured grass.
BARTY
Come on, audience! We’re so close! We have
finally reached the lair of the beast! We’ve gotta
be super quiet so he doesn’t hear us coming.
As BARTY approaches the house he pulls a brick from the inside of his jacket and shows it to the camera.
BARTY (cont’d)
Ya see? This here device is how we’re gonna infiltrate
this stronghold. They probably think we’re gonna use that
there front door, but I’m nothing if not a master of disprise.
BARTY (cont’d)
Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
BARTY lobs the brick through the sliding glass door. An alarm blares. BARTY steps over the pile of glass shards and into the sleek, modern kitchen.
WOMAN (O.S.)
Oh god, what was that?
OLD MAN (O.S)
You stay here. Call the cops.
The OLD MAN enters the kitchen, baseball bat in hand.
OLD MAN
Oh Jesus, you again?
BARTY
Bernie Sanders! I should’ve figured you
would be the monster everyone’s been
telling me about. What kind of dastardly
socialist schemes do you have in store
for me this time?
BERNIE
Look, the cops are already on their way.
Just take what you want and go.
BARTY
I want you to stop infecting those poor, defenseless
young Americans with your liberalizing propagranda!
So, how’s this gonna go down?
The Gremlins Theme starts playing. BARTY stands in a fighting stance, prepared for battle. BERNIE smacks him with the baseball bat. BARTY falls over.
BARTY
Nooooo! Nooooo! Noooooooooo!
CUT TO
INT. PRISON CELL – NIGHT
BARTY sits on a cot, a concrete wall supported by a pair of chains. He reaches his hand over to hit the play button on his boom box. It isn’t there. He lets out a sigh and hangs his head.
BARTY
(Unenthused)
Hi. I’m Barty Randerson. Did you know that
I’m in prison? Now, that Freedom Excursion
didn’t go exactly according to plan and that evil
Sandermans is still out there trying to destroy
the fabric of American life as we know it.
BARTY (cont’d)
(voice picks up)
But ya know what? As soon as I’m out of this
here pokey I’ll be back out in that wilderness,
walking those trails and hunting down those who
might deny your inaliable right to life, liberty, and
the pursuit of happiness.
BARTY (cont’d)
And who knows…
BARTY attempts to wink, but ends up blinking with both eyes.
BARTY (cont’d)
I may even be hitting the campaign trail.
CUT TO BLACK:
ROLL CREDITS: DISTURBED – DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS
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