“And that, my fellow Americans, is why black people smell funny,” Donald Trump said into his microphone. The audience erupted into a deafening crash of noise, equal parts cheers and boos. He looked at them with a smirk, shrugging off the protests of his opponents both literally and figuratively. “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to build a wall to keep all the Muslims out and I’ll make the President of ISIS pay for it!”
“Mr. Trump…” the moderator tried to get his attention.
“And seriously, what’s the deal with those gays?” Trump continued.
“Mr. Trump. Your time is up, we have to move-”
“I mean, I’m surprised that Senator Graham’s stance on gay marriage is so strict. All I’m saying is that I expected different, ya know? With that voice of his?”
“I would like to respond, if The Donald would let somebody else be on camera who isn’t reacting to one of his comments,” Lindsey Graham, the first place candidate, said with the inflection of a Scarlet O’Hara impersonator. “I, for one, find this kind of behavior to be very typical of Mr. Trump; using juvenile insults and far flung schemes to distract from the real issues at hand. It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, Muslim or Christian, straight or gay or tried it just that one time in college, we can all agree that we need 50,000 boots on the ground in Syria. And 40,000 in Sudan. And 120,000 in North Korea. And… well, you get the idea.”
“Oh wow, look at you!” Trump pointed past Ricks Santorum and Perry at the Linds. “You think you know so much about war? You aren’t even a real veteran! Being in the reserves doesn’t count, unlike going to a military boarding school. I, for one, find this kind of behavior to be the same political bullshit that you people spit out all the time!
“Okay!” the moderator shouted and waved at the cameramen to face her. “Now is about time for the candidates to take a short break. We’ll be back shortly.”
The cameras clicked off and Trump walked off the stage as the audience and 28 other candidates talked among themselves, no doubt about one of Donald’s prior comments. He went down the hall, kissed some hands and shook some babies as he went along, and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He turned the faucet on as cool as he could and splashed his face.
“Come on, Donald. You have to keep this up. Everyone is counting on you. The entire party was hopeless before you came in, and half of America only knew a fifth of their names. Now look at them. They were nothing, but you made them better. Every controversy you stir up makes them seem that much more electable. They were divided, but now they stand united…
“…United against me. Is this really a victory? I have to lower myself more and more each day, play court jester for the whole country. And for what? How do I even know if this is working? No. You are righteous. You go back out there and you save this nation. You are the hero that this nation deserves. You’ve got this!” The Donald slapped himself across the face rapidly, his cheeks now flush like an orange tomato. He slicked his hair back, but made sure that his toupe was on slightly crooked so he would draw ridicule from lazy talk show hosts. He was born ready for this.
Donald opened the door and was greeted by a wall of flashbulbs and shouting faces. “Hey, don’t go in there, I think Chris Christie had some bad Jack in the Box on his way here,” Trump cringed. He shook off the disgust and shot a thumbs up at the camera.
A corridor of reporters flanked his path as he made his way to the podium. He caught a couple of nasty looks from Rand Paul and Jeb! and replied to them with a wave and a canned greeting. The moderator looked at herself in a small hand mirror, fiddling with the individual hairs on her head before snapping the clamshell closed and looking at the camera.
“You’re on in three, two,” the cameraman said, mouthing the word one and pointing to the moderator.
“Good afternoon, America, and welcome back to the 3rd Republican debate of the 2016 election here at Madison Square Garden. This candidate has been the source of much controversy both on and off the debate stage, so it seems fitting that we start the next part of the debate with a question for him. All eyes are on you, Mr. Trump.”