My Big Fat Madoka Wedding – Chapter Six – Chapter Six
I’m in that cosplay cafe again, dressed up as a femswapped version of the Winter Soldier from Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier, in theaters April 4, 2014. Today there aren’t as many customers for some reason, which normally would be a good thing since I’m paid salary, but that doesn’t matter anyway since I’m asleep and all. Now it just means I get to stand around bored, like most chapters of this story, and wait for a few customers to show up. Slowly, those that trickle in leave just as well, until the cafe becomes emptier than a Nickelback concert at 8 in the morning.
I turn around and survey all the empty tables. A couple still have dirty dishes on them, so I guess that’s something to do. However when I walk up to one of the tables I find a bill, and underneath… a ton of cash. The first tip I’ve ever gotten, which is awesome. Further still underneath is a hand-written note:
“Dear Loli Lovely,
If you’re reading this, then you’ve passed all the tests I have to offer. You are now a true woman. I am so proud of you. Now go out and make things happen. Make daddy happy.
Antepenultimatum… What does that– OH CRAP!
Kyoko jumped to her feet, jolting into consciousness. She looked around her and found that she was still next to the refreshments table. No sign of Sayaka, though. Music was playing on the nearby electric organ. Was it playing… Take Me Out to the Ball Game? …Nah. Well, it looked like the wedding had already started. Homura was already up on the stand next to the minister, who was definitely also the judge at Sayaka’s trial. At this point the ridiculousness of the situation didn’t even faze her.
The judge, er, minister (No he’s totally the judge) recited the phrases commonly heard in weddings with a furious blaze of loudness. “We are gathered here today to bear witness to the greatest marriage between two magical girls that has ever been and ever will be.”
“Hey!” Nanoha and Fate stood up in anger. Dozens of other couples followed suit.
“Silence,” the judge commanded with a most awesome fury. “Or I will hold you in contempt of the court. Do you understand me?” They all sat down very quickly. Nobody had the heart to tell the judge he wasn’t in a criminal trial. Meaning, their hearts wouldn’t have been able to withstand the shockwave of anger from the judge that would surely follow.
“Now, where was I? Ah yes. These two Japanese teenage girls will be married under the highest court of Mexican law there is, and their bond will remain so for the rest of eternity. Because divorce is illegal in Mexico.” Kyoko gasped. Not really, because it wasn’t that shocking a revelation. Where was Madoka, though? She wasn’t up on stage but the generic wedding stuff had already begun. From the (blank, nonexistant, expressionless) look on her face, Homura wasn’t worried so it just meant the ceremony was happening in an unorthodox manner. Guess the author didn’t care to research weddings, either? Wow, good going, you lazy ass.
As the judge blabbed on about more droll ceremonial stuff (albeit with amazing power and ferocity), Kyoko snuck around the wedding area, scouting out an empty seat. Man, it was a full house. Bob Saget was here, even! Argh, how was she going to make her grand entrance if she couldn’t first be in a completely inconspicuous spot? Well, she’d have to make due, then. Makes you wish she got here a couple hours later than she really did, huh. She could have pulled a Princess Bride and fooled a bunch of guards and killed some eleven-fingered dude and shit.
Finally, some royal trumpets played a jovial tune. There she was; Madoka Kaname, followed closely behind by Maid of Honor Sayaka Miki, who was apparently trying to double as flower girl as she tossed Sakura leaves at everyone. Behind her was the ringbearer, Madoka’s little brother Tatsuya. Madoka wore an elegant dress, pure white (besides the pink) and sparkling brightly (this was an exaggeration). Her hair was let down rather than the normal twintails, which looked amazing on her. And to top it all off, she was wearing her sheriff star along with it all, to prove that even at her own wedding she would not stop fighting crime.
Kyoko’s heart beat faster than an atheist meth addict at the Republican National Convention. This… This was it. No going back. Madoka walked up onto the stage and glanced at Homura, who made no visual response, only blinking to acknowledge Madoka’s existence. Kyoko jumped down into prone position and crawled her way over to the base of the stage. However her plan failed as dozens of guests saw her and were watching her attempt at covert action instead of the wedding.
“Pssst… Sayaka!” Kyoko whispered as loudly as she could. Sayaka looked down at the girl and gave a blank stare, her mouth ever so slightly ajar. It took several moments before she registered all this information and replied. When she did, all she did was wave. Kyoko punched her shin. “Sayaka! Why did you spike the punch and make me pass out!”
“It had to be done,” Sayaka said. She didn’t bother to whisper. “I did it for your sake and the sake of everyone else. Sake for everyone!” It was astounding how much alcohol one fourteen year old girl could consume. “I didn’t realize you’d pass out like that. I was ready for a great time at this wedding but you ruined it by having a crappy tolerance level.”
“Sigh,” Kyoko said.
“Yep,” Sayaka replied.
The two sat in silence for a moment, before Kyoko remembered there was an utterly urgent event going on right now. The judge was still grumbling on at a dangerously intense dB level, so it wasn’t quite time to make the climactic appearance that would inevitably kick off the final battle. So she would wait for a few minutes longer.
“blah blah blah holy matrimony”
“blah do you part blah blah”
“sacred blah blah vows blah”
… Screw this.
Kyoko sprang up onto the stage and stomped. The metal clang against her foot resonated against the entire ceremony, and all went silent. The judge stopped, and the dancing lobsters subsided once more.
“Who are you?” The judge roared.
“Kyoko Sakura,” she stated. “I have to tell Madoka something!” Madoka raised an eyebrow.
“What is it, girl?” he questioned, his voice an ultimatum against all silence in the universe.
Kyoko took a deep breath. “Madoka Kaname… I.. I can’t let you be married to Homura Akemi!” Not exactly what she thought she was going to say, but it worked well enough. Homura began to stare intently into Kyoko’s eyes, her expression unchanged.
Madoka tried to stammer out some words. “I–”
Homura interrupted. “She has to be married, Kyoko, or the plan will not succeed.”
“But… Why does she have to marry you?” Kyoko pointed at her to increase the intimidation factor. It didn’t seem to work, but Homura was at least silent for a second, trying to come up with an answer.
Finally, Homura stepped forward, raised her hand… And slapped Kyoko. “Don’t do this,” she whispered in a growl that made no attempt to conceal her anger. “I’m so close, so close. I thought you would understand by now…”
“No! You don’t realize. This is all a setup by Kyubey. He’s been plotting this ever since I was exiled, trying to turn us all against each other so we could all turn into witches! There are no hordes of enemy witches coming to this party, just us potential witches. If you call off the wedding we can stop all of this.”
“Hahahahaha!” Homura laughed the most fear-inducing laugh Kyoko had heard since the dub of Death Note. “You were so close. So close to correct. However…” Homura’s eyes flashed red. Her entire body glowed white and shrunk down. What remained was an all-too-familiar face. “You missed one crucial element, Ms. Sakura. I AM Kyubey.”
My Big Fat Madoka Wedding – Chapter Six – Chapter Seven
“You missed one crucial element. I AM Kyubey.
“I’ve always been a decent shapeshifter, so when I found Sayaka and Madoka, I decided to test how well I could destroy these young girls’ lives. And that is how ‘Homura Akemi’ was born. You and Mami were simply added bonuses.”
“You’re… You’ve always been Homura?” Kyoko asked.
“Every second. The time travel stuff… That was all a lie by the way. I’m good at that.”
“Yeah that’s your speciality.”
Madoka turned her head downwards in realization. “You mean… I… We… But… Ewwwwwww!”
“The original plan was to create a seeming love triangle and break everyone’s friendships apart,” Kyubey said. “However, once I realized that Madoka did not love me as I thought, it became much simpler. The marriage itself will be her undoing; the greatest witch of all time will be born!”
“You’re an asshole,” Kyoko retorted.
“Touche.” Retort successful.
The judge eyed Kyubey suspiciously for a second. His composure then reaffirmed itself and his blasting words made themselves clear. “It is obvious now that this wedding cannot occur,” his voice sang out in a burst of kinetic force. “It is illegal for a human to marry an animal, much less an alien animal. I will not allow this.”
“Well then,” Kyubey said. His eyes suddenly glowed blue and his bunny things, Madoka’s red ribbons tied around them, shook and rose up, pointing towards the sky. Out of the dozens of colorfully silly gondolas came more Kyubeys. Thousands more. “It’s always fortunate that I plan for even the most unlikely of circumstances!”
Kyoko pondered this statement. “Actually it was a pretty likely outcome when you think ab- ohohohoh!” Madoka pulled her away as a dozen Kyubeys jumped at her with their razor-sharp teeth ready to chomp.
Sayaka took one look at the situation and started walking away. “Yeah, this ain’t my problem. I’m gonna go make out with Kyosuke. HEY BRO C’MON!” And they left the wedding, just like that.
Regardless of this, Madoka was unhindered. “This is something only one woman can handle.” Madoka pulled out her pink sombrero and tossed it as Zeus would a bolt of lightning. It plowed across the stage and cut through thirty Kyubeys in one fell swoop, and then flew back into her hand. She put the sombrero on her head. “Sheriff Kaname of Mexico is ready for duty.”
In an instant, Madoka’s bow was drawn, and she began firing pink beams of light at a rapid pace. Kyoko acted less swiftly but with much more force as she drew her lance-nunchuck thing and made a 360-degree swing around her body, destroying all nearby Kyubeys. One magic arrow flew towards Kyoko, but she deflected it at more Kyubeys, who were instantly fried.
Kyoko bashed the butt of her weapon at a Kyubey behind her, but before it went down for good it grabbed hold of her ponytail. “Get it off! Get it off!” With marksman-like aim, Madoka shot it dead. Kyoko whipped her hair to swing it off. Her hair clip flew off as well, but she caught that. That… was important. She turned to face Madoka and thank her, and saw a heavy blush across her face. Then Kyoko realized her hair had fallen down. This wasn’t exactly good for combat, but she had to make do.
This battle continued for quite some time. The audience, which consisted mostly of magical girls already… Kind of just sat there. Kyoko got frustrated as she beat back this horde of hellspawn demon-cats and the guests did nothing.
“What are you guys doing?!” she barked.
Sakura raised her hand. “We don’t want to impede on your climax; if we all joined in it’d be too easy.”
“That’s… Really dumb, ok!” Kyoko struggled to find the right words to convey her sheer anger as she sliced four Kyubeys in half.
One of the thousand Cures now spoke. “Well consider that your enemy has just unleashed his final attack. That means he’s desperate, that he knows he’s about to lose.
“Am not,” said the glowing blue Kyubey in the center of the stage. The ribbons tied around his ears unfolded themselves and struck Madoka. They twisted around her neck and held her straight in the air.
“Ahh!” Madoka shrieked, gasping for breaths.
“Looks like you’re going to be strangled by the red string!” Oh no he didn’t. Only Kyoko could make puns that bad. She stopped fighting for a second to glare at his face, and he be nasty. She was immediately mauled by fifteen Kyubeys.
“Nooooooo!” Madoka reached her hand out and tried to shout, but she couldn’t manage it anymore. The sudden attack caught Kyoko off-guard, and she dropped her weapon, leaving her defenseless against the monsters.
As the Kyubeys bit at her relentlessly, all she could feel was pain, then sorrow– she realized how worthless this whole journey, her whole life was–, then agony, then nothi
My Big Fat Madoka Wedding – Chapter Six – Chapter Eight
It’s not a dream this time. I can see the wedding around me. There’s the main Kyubey, still holding Madoka within his grip. And there’s the wedding guests, looking at me wearily. It seems I am floating now, about thirty feet high. I can no longer control my body as it begins attacking the guests with dark-purple magic. They scream and begin to scatter, but I cannot hear much of anything, as if I am underwater. Guess that means I’m a witch, then.
Actually kind of peaceful like this. No it’s not a dream, but it feels like one. Everything happens on autopilot, and I get to watch however I want. I hope I don’t kill anybody, but if I do, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I have no worries.
Kyubey’s words finally make sense. I can finally understand the cycle of fighting witches and becoming witches… It really is important. My contribution to the incubators is greater than anything else I’ve done in my life. The universe will live days longer than it would have, all because of me. This is what makes me happy.
I see Madoka escape from Kyubey, ripping the ribbons off of her neck. It was a struggle but she did it, and now she is running towards me, yelling things and crying her eyes out. Maybe she will join me? I bet she will be a mighty powerful witch. Even moreso than me. But no, instead of this she shoots a magic arrow at me. I feel nothing, but my body shakes somewhat. One of my own beams is a fair return, right? Hopefully, because that is what my own body gives her. It knocks the bow out of her hands, and she cries more fiercely than ever. She shouts something, and– Wait. I can hear it. I can hear her. I can hear her?
“Kyoko! Please turn back to normal! You have the sexiest body around!”
My body begins to shake again. I can feel it this time. A bright golden glow exudes from me. No… I begin to glow a golden hue.. No…. I start glowing and shit. Yes. Yes! I’m… Free!
Kyoko dropped to the ground, healed by the Power of Friendship! Madoka rushed over and kneeled over her. She was badly beaten and barely conscious, but she was safe.
“So… Compliments really are the best secret magical girl powers, huh…?” Kyoko said in a faint voice. She raised her hand from the ground and gently rubbed Madoka’s cheek. “I love you… You know… that?” Her hand fell, too weak to stay up that long.
Madoka leaned further in and kissed her on the right cheek. “You’re so silly,” she giggled. “This isn’t a funeral or anything. You’re not going to die.”
“Sure… feels like it.”
“I won’t let that happen. If you tell me it’s wrong to hope, I’ll tell you you’re wrong every time. Because… I love you too.” Madoka blinked, and suddenly Kyoko was fully conscious. Wow. She sat up and planted her lips on hers. This moment felt like an eternity; nothing had ever made her feel this way, not even Homura (Kyubey?). She knew Kyoko was the one, and together they would destroy all entropy.
“Let’s go kill some Kyubeys,” Kyoko said, jumping into the air and stomping on a few of the buggers. Even without her lance-nunchuck thing she was still a very capable hand-to-hand combatant. Madoka smiled a hopeful smile and drew her bow once more. Her first shot took out two Kyubeys at once, both direct headshots. Her second bounced off one Kyubey and exploded in a crowd of ten more. Her third shot hit next to the glowing blue Kyubey. He blinked; the shockwave must have hit him slightly.
“Hey Kyoko!” Madoka shouted. “I think that Kyubey in the center is controlling all the other ones! If we kill him all of them will stop!”
“So he’s basically the Trade Federation, and we’re Anakin?” Kyoko asked sarcastically. Madoka enjoyed her annoyingly odd pop culture references, but this was not a very good time.
“Shut up and kill him!” Madoka fired arrow after arrow at him, but each one bounced off. Some kind of energy field. Kyoko threw a few punches, but she couldn’t break through either; they needed something stronger. After four or five hits she turned around and defended herself against the hundreds of Kyubeys aiming to kill her (again).
“I wish–” She stepped on one’s tail and kicked it away “We could attack this guy without–” She caught it and threw it into the canal “All these other guys!” The Kyubey jumped out of the canal and made for a direct opening towards Kyoko, but stopped suddenly on account of the pink magic laser going through his chest.
“They’re guarding him too well,” Madoka said. “We can only hit him a few times before we have to concentrate on them again!”
“It’d be great if we could just trample them all at once,” Kyoko said. Wait. A florescent lightbulb appeared above her head… and then fell to the ground and busted into a thousand pieces. “Madoka I have an idea!”
“I hope it’s better than the one you just had,” she said as she looked at the lightbulb’s remains.
“Honestly I have no idea what the hell is up with that. But I do know–” Kyoko jumped into the air and summoned her hammerspace powers to pull out a special weapon– a decabear of honey. “–that I brought you a wedding gift!!” She kicked it and it hit the stage at an insane velocity. It rolled down the stage and flattened more Kyubeys than.. uhh… Madoka wasn’t as good at these funny comparisons as Kyoko. But it was a lot. When it hit the main Kyubey’s force field, it predictably… Crushed him too. Within an instant the remaining Kyubeys began to expand, swelling larger, and larger, and larger, until…. POP!
White demon cat guts were spread all over the scene of the wedding. It was like Christmas, except instead of snow it was alien corpses, and with Santa as an attractive young redhead. There were still presents, though. Madoka could really go for a Christmas like this sometime. Hey, she made a good comparison! At least… She thought so.
Although Madoka was covered in Kyubeygoop™, Kyoko still jumped into her arms the moment it was all over. They locked lips and held each other tightly. Finally.
The Kyubeygoop™ cleared out soon after the battle, seemingly evaporating into the air. Most all the guests fled the battle after Kyoko became a witch, not because they weren’t capable fighters but to prevent this story from becoming essentially Super Smash Sisters: Magical Anime Boogaloo. Sayaka came back after a while, though Kyosuke was nowhere to be found. This was concerning.
Madoka and Kyoko stood next to the decabear of honey, hand in hand. Madoka picked up the red ribbons from the ground and put them back in her hair. They were a present from her mother, and she would never give them up for good. Nope. Never.
“Where did you get such a big jar of honey, anyway?” Madoka asked.
“Long story.” Kyoko said. “Looooooong story. Nah just kidding I bought it from Don Patch.”
“You mean from Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo?”
“Wow!” Madoka was in awe that she knew such a celebrity. Kyoko wore a smile that was extra-proud. “Wait a minute, weren’t you–”
“Subject change.” Kyoko pointed at the judge, who was for some reason walking up the stairs to the stage. He came up to them and stood. A silent moment passed before Kyoko spoke up. “Sir?”
“I was hired to administer a wedding,” the judge boomed. “Is this still a truth?” Madoka and Kyoko turned their heads toward each other.
“Do you?” They asked each other simultaneously. They giggled and performed the incontrovertible headbutt of love.
“I do,” they said together.
“…That was fast,” the judge said. Wait, said? Wow. “Have a nice life, then.” And that was the last they ever saw of him.
“It feels nice being Madoka Sakura, huh?” Kyoko asked.
“Uhh… No, we are totally the Kanames.”
“What? No, my name is way more badass!”
“But… If I’m a Sakura then… I don’t want to be a Naruto character, Kyoko…”
Kyoko groaned. “Ugh, fine. I’ll be Kyoko Kaname then. It’s a cool alliteration anyway.”
Madoka waltzed over to the wrecked pile of wedding presents and picked one up. It was still in good condition, luckily. She handed the present to Kyoko, who looked very confused.
“This is for you,” she said. “I was going to give you a present for being such a good friend all these years, but I guess now it’s a wedding present too.” Kyoko opened it to reveal… a large red sombrero– the most kickin’ present of all time– and immediately put it on. Best day ever.
Suddenly, Sayaka ran up to the base of the stage with a huge camera on a tripod. “Guys I’m still Maid of Honor right??”
“Yes, Sayaka,” Madoka laughed.
“Then I’m gonna take the best photographs and Maid of Honor can ever take ever. Now pose!” They posed. “Say cheese~” Sayaka pressed the button and ran into the picture, just in time to make it into the background.
“Wow,” Kyoko exclaimed. “It’s beautiful. This will be the best marriage ever.”
“Yep. And as Sheriff Kaname and her new Deputy Kaname, we will keep Mexico safe from crime forever!” They high-fived. It was awesome.
The end. See the further Adventures of the Kanames in CARRIBBEAN RIM, coming soon!