My Big Fat Madoka Wedding – Chapter Six – Chapter Three
This was awful………..
Kyoko banged her head against the steering wheel seven times. Her horn honked each time, but it didn’t really matter. This was the kind of traffic where people were getting out of cars to shoot each other; her car was far from the only one blaring. This was the absolute worst thing that could have possibly happened after that huge cliffhanger last chapter.
Apparently there was a bad accident a little ways up the road. A big pileup– a couple people died already, with a ton of injuries too. How inconsiderate! Couldn’t those jerks go find another road to wreck on other than the one Kyoko had to use? She started punching the horn out of sheer frustration. “Why!”–Punch–”Can’t!”–Punch–”I!”–Punch–”Just!”–Punch–”Fly!”–Punch. Kyoko’s crippling insecurities about her lack of flight capabilities were revealed in this moment, changing our perspective of her forever.
“Just…” Kyoko looked at the camera showing us her every action and punched the lens out. Everything went dark. “Go to the next chapter already. Skip this gosh-darned bull donkey.” Can’t do that just yet, Kyoko. You of all people should understand this. Chapters in a series have to exponentially increase in wordcount or it will not be a good story.
“No plot will advance this way! Just do it.”
That’s an expletive, all right. There goes our T Rating. Y’know, you’re a sassy little lass, but I’ll let you pass. Or, more accurately, the author will. I’m just the narrator, but… A gig’s a gig.
“So this meaningless filler chapter will finally end, and next scene I’ll be at the wedding?”
Pffffft. You’re funny, Ms. Sakura.
“What do you mean by that?!”
My Big Fat Madoka Wedding – Chapter Six– Chapter Four
Madoka sat in front of a cabinet mirror, brushing her hair. It had been so long since she had just let her hair down like this; she was worried it wouldn’t look very good, so she was trying extra-hard to make it as pristine as she could. Hopefully Homura would give back the ribbons after the end of the ceremony; she liked them an awful lot, and had no idea why she wanted them in the first place.
Now she began to wonder about Kyoko. The wedding was in an hour and a half and she still wasn’t here, and certainly not here as the point-of-view character. Kyoko had been acting very strangely ever since Madoka found her that fateful day, so long ago. Okay only three weeks, but it felt like so much longer.
Madoka thought deeply about that girl. Her beautiful flame-colored hair—she’d never seen it let down before, now that she thought about it; maybe she would do that for the wedding–, her passion for life that burned brighter than the sun, her fiery magic that could best just about any foe, besides water magic users, her blazing hot a–,er lance-nunchuck thing, and the undying ember that was her eating disorder. All these things combined to create the girl who, while not perfect, was someone Madoka adored so, so much. Completely platonically, of course, she noted as Homura appeared suddenly before her.
“Madoka,” she said, that same nonexistent expression still dominating her face.
“Why are you in here?!” Madoka shrieked in panic and threw a pillow at her, which she caught with ease and laid back on the sofa from which it came. Probably time-froze to do it.
“I wanted to see you.” While that sounded creepy, it was at least a genuine, non-cryptic statement, which from Homura was rarer than a working copy of Super Mario World for the NES. (AUTHOR’S NOTE: What the hell kind of reference was that? Please cut this out while proofreading. Make a joke about Sayaka or something. People love those.)
“The groom is not supposed to see the bride before the wedding! It’s back luck!”
Homura blinked. “But I’m a bride too.”
“Well, you’re the man in the relationship, kinda…”The author Madoka tried to backtrack on this statement as quickly as he she could so as not to upset his the readers from Tumblr. “Not the ‘man’, I mean. I mean like, uh, the more dominant of the couple? The uzi or the semen or whatever the hell weaboos call it?”
Homura stood silently for a moment, then finally spoke. “Check your lesbian privileges.”
“Just check them.”
Madoka quickly changed the subject back. “Um… anyway, it’s still very bad luck for you to be in here!”
“I don’t need luck. I have time travel.” Wow, that’s the kind of quote that would work really well on a T-shirt! If only there were some funding source, something that could “kick” this into motion, to “start” such a shirt printing project… Oh well.
“Homu Homu… Can you please just leave me be for a bit? I’m not ready yet and I don’t like you eyeing me the way you are doing now until after the wedding…”
“Too late for that, baby,” Homura replied in the most monotone, unseductive voice possible.
“Please… I just want to fix my hair…” Madoka resisted the urge to cry, lest that become too much of an overused joke.
“Madoka,” Homura said. “Your makeup is running.” Shit. Homura put her finger on Madoka’s face and wiped the tears off her cheek, in an awkward attempt for a soft romantic moment.
“Sniff… Now I have to redo all that too!”
“Well, I will leave then. But you must make sure you are ready for the wedding in time, okay?” She turned around, did a hairflip, and promptly exited the room. Madoka exhaled. Just a few more hours and it would all be over. She repeated this to herself to calm her nerves. It was just the rest of her life in front of her. No big deal.
After going through her hair a dozen more times and reapplying all that foundation and mascara, she was almost ready. Madoka pulled out her bright red lipstick and marked it all on. She winked at herself and giggled a little. Hopefully this wasn’t too flashy.
Okay, how was it? She stood up from her chair and got the first look of herself in complete wedding attire. Wow, she actually looked pretty good. But something was missing…. Ah. She pulled her sheriff star out of the drawer and pinned it to her chest. Now she looked perfect.
Just in time for the wedding!
My Big Fat Madoka Wedding – Chapter Six – Chapter Five
Just in time for the wedding!
Kyoko slammed her shoulder into the door to the… Oh, this was somebody’s house. Crap. Sorry, uhm. She stepped out and shut the door quietly. It was 1138 Forest Drive, not 1337, where the wedding was being held. This situation was a little too dire for Kyoko to be lollygagging and mixing up addresses, so she was understandably embarrassed at doing exactly that.
Actually, she realized when she reached her true destination, there was no room to burst into at all; the wedding was outside, along one of the million canals in Xochimilco. It was one of Kyoko’s more favorite parts of Mexico City, so she was giddy that Madoka and Homura picked here as the location. Amassed in the canal behind the site of the wedding was a bunch of funny-looking trajineras, which were weird colorful gondolas that were all over the place in Xochimilco. Kyoko could only assume they were going to be used for silly post-ceremony games like extreme water polo, and Real-Life Battleship. Ah, Mexico, what a strange place you are compared to the conventional mundane customs of dear old Japan.
Speaking of Japan WOW look at all these guests in such a small space. Must have been two or three hundred. There was Totoro, who used to be Kyoko’s neighbor. Kyoko waved but she received nothing in return. Sigh, every time they hit the big leagues it’s always the same. Every single Pretty Cure was there, or at least she assumed since they all looked the same. Hi, red one. And hi, other red one. And hi, all fifty blueish purple ones. The original two, Nagisa and Honoka, were still recognizable from the rest, though they were much older now; they were married about a decade ago and had four kids. They were chatting with fellow couple Nanoha and Fate, who were married about the same time but were never able to overcome that tricky problem of same-sex reproduction, so they only had that one adopted brat Vivo. Those four looked like they had some good times back in the day, the way they were catching up. As they spoke, Sakura and Syaoran, the only heterosexual couple in magical girl history, came up and joined in as well. That card capturing chick was always such a stuck up little… Hey, look… Hey! That was Mami To- Oh, that was only CREAMY Mami. Ugh. And looks like the Sailors were “too important” to show up once again (don’t ask about the previous times). The Fantastic Four were here, though only the version from the 2005 movie, and so was John Madden. Wait. Next to those Rayearth chicks…. Was that… No way. It was Tommy! No, not Wiseau; the one from the Power Rangers! That long, flowing ponytail… so dreamy. Kyoko was utterly captivated by his luscious hair, going into a state of complete trance.
“You ogling him too?” Kyoko jumped. She turned around to find Sayaka leaning against the refreshments table, sipping her punch and giving a naughty stare off into the mid-distance.
“Y-yeah, of course I am. Who wouldn’t, huh? Kyoko folded her arms.
“A lesbian wouldn’t,” she snickered. Kyoko’s face turned red, but she wasn’t sure if it was from embarrassment or anger. “You were totally just looking at his hair.”
“Totally not. I’m as straight as you.”
“Lol.” Yes, she actually said that out loud. “You’re wearing a plaid dress, dude.”
“Oh yeah? And you’re wearing… a perfectly normal dress! Bam!”
“And you and I both know how straight I am, anyway….” She raised her foot and tapped Kyoko’s ankle repeatedly. Kyoko had half a mind to pull out her lance-nunchuck thing and slice the little pest in two. Her other half was inclined for her to pull out her lance-nunchuck thing and stab her in the chest 23 times. “’Course, if you don’t remember, I can def– Ow!” Nah, a punch in the face worked well enough.
“Listen here bub,” Kyoko said in her best Cal Dodd impersonation. “You tell me where Madoka is or the only way anybody’ll know your sexuality is from your autopsy report!” Kyoko grabbed a cheese cube off the refreshments table and chomped it for the extra intimidation factor.
“Wha…. Huh? That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Eh, I tried.” She ate six more cheese cubes in one bite. Mmm, these were pretty good. “Sorry, my dialogue is being guest-written this chapter by Rob Liefeld.” She put Sayaka down and turned around, continuing to search with her eyes for any major source of pink hair. Well, besides all twenty pink-haired Cures.
“Why are you looking for her?” Sayaka asked. She began to start wobbling a little for some reason.
Kyoko munched on the entire bowl of crackers. “Gotta tell her something important. Super important.”
“Yeah, and I’m the Queen of England….” Sayaka tripped over thin air and crashed onto the ground. Now she got dirt all over her dress! What were they gonna do with her…
“Sayaka, why are you drunk at a wedding.”
“Y’know, I really think the humor went downhill in this story after chapter 3. You know what I’m saying?” Yep, completely drunk.
“Sayaka. Stop being intoxicated this instant and tell me where Madoka is. You have been absolutely useless thus far but it’s of vital importance. Super vital.”
“Calm down,” Sayaka said. She hopped back onto her feet and poured a glass of punch, handing it to Kyoko. “She’ll be here any minute, don’t worry. The wedding stuff can’t all happen without her, y’know?”
“No! It can’t wait that long! It’s about–” Kyoko looked down at her cup and realized she had already drunk the entire thing, in between breaths while talking. That’s gotta be a record or something. “Can I…?”
“Yeah.” Sayaka refilled it and handed it back. “Kyoko, it’s okay bro. It’s not a life or death situation, is it?” She took the cup and refilled it again, since Kyoko had already inhaled it.
“Well…” Wait, WAS it a life or death situation? She.. She couldn’t remember. Ugh, why was it so hard to recall…
“By the way,” Sayaka grinned. “Totally spiked the punch. You like?” Sayaka’s form wobbled back and forth like an amoeba. If Kyoko could move her limbs anymore she would sock her right in the… right in the… Why was everything getting so blurry?
“Oh hey look, there’s Homura,” Sayaka said. Kyoko tried to turn her head, but it was easier just to turn her whole body… and fall to the ground. Then the lights turned dim. Then she fell asleep.